Ask anyone what they think keeps a relationship strong and they’ll probably tell you it’s love. There is some truth to this. In the first place, love is what unites us.
But after years of studying couples as a psychologist and a husband, I’ve noticed what research continues to prove. It turns out that the real thing that keeps couples together long after the honeymoon period is compromise.
love is not enough
Psychologists define love as an emotion. And like any emotion, love fluctuates depending on stress, sleep, health, and the thousands of other factors that shape our daily lives.
Therefore, even if you love your partner deeply, you may feel irritated, irritated, or angry. Love will not protect you from conflict and will not resolve your differences.
That’s why even the happiest couples, no matter how much love they have for each other, will have arguments and rough patches. The difference is that strong couples know that love alone cannot solve everything, but compromise can solve everything.
psychology of compromise
Compromise happens when you balance what you want, what your partner wants, and what’s best for the relationship itself.
Every couple brings with them a set of habits, values, and experiences. It is unrealistic to expect perfect alignment. Instead, healthy couples learn to negotiate reality. They turn “my way” and “your way” into “our way.”
But compromise only works if it is rooted in our strong consciousness.
Research shows that couples who use “we” language to describe conflicts (we decided, we discussed, we resolved) feel more connected and satisfied after a disagreement. When both partners see compromise as a shared effort rather than a loss, their bond is strengthened.
What does real compromise look like?
Compromise doesn’t always seem romantic. Sometimes that means agreeing to watch movies you would never have chosen for yourself. It can also mean listening to your partner vent about something while resisting the desperate urge to suggest solutions.
My own marriage experience has taught me that romantic relationships rarely require great sacrifice. Instead, you’ll be given the option of meeting your partner halfway.
Today, it may be important who takes on which chores. Tomorrow, the question may be how you spend your evening together. Next month’s theme may be how to spend your family vacation. You may need to find a compromise, take turns, or agree to something neither of you had thought of.
What matters is that you feel heard and respected, and that no one feels like you have to win or be right. If you always make enough space to meet each other’s needs, you can build something that love alone can rarely do: authenticity.
Dr. Mark Travers is a psychologist specializing in human relationships. He holds degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder. He is the lead psychologist at Awake Therapy, a telemedicine company that provides online psychotherapy, counseling, and coaching. He is also the curator of Therapytips.org, a popular mental health and wellness website.
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