The Ashes opens in Perth on Friday, with the pre-series jibe-filled fake wars scrapped and the on-field action taking center stage.
That’s not to say that Jive’s bogus war before the series wasn’t interesting. Far from it. Former players and mostly Western Australian newspapers dropped some absolute crackers.
So let’s take a cheeky look ahead to some serious business at Optus Stadium. Bargains, naughty headlines, surfboard references, whitewash predictions and more…
Former Australian opener David Warner was the first to pipe up (so unlike him…) even before England’s summer home game against India was over.
Warner said Joe Root would have to “take the surfboard off his front foot”, meaning take off his front pad, to leave his homeland to seek his first Ashes century, and said Australian seamer Josh Hazlewood “tends to have quite a few of his numbers”.
As you can imagine, Warner’s long-time Ashes rival Stuart Broad couldn’t stand this lie and immediately took to social media to remind his old sparring partner that Hazlewood had only pinned Root lbw in Test cricket three times out of 10.
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Check out Joe Root’s masterpiece from four centuries of British Ashes. Could he win one or more for Australia?
Unfortunately, any resumption of the Root vs. Hazlewood battle will have to wait until fellow Australian paceman Pat Cummins, who missed Root 11 times in the Test, is absent from the series opener with hamstring and back injuries respectively.
“Average Joe” is “bad Down Under.” Stokes “The cocky complainer”
Following Warner’s playful peck at Root, The West Australian published a brazen crack at the England batsman when he landed domestically, calling Root an “average Joe” and describing his average of 35.68 points in the Ashes, the first away game in 100 years, as “down under”.
Readers of the publication were then urged to turn to page nine to find “a statistic that troubles England’s best batsmen” (so there’s an element of admiration, too?!).
The Western Australian also branded the “New Zealand-born” all-rounder a “cheeky captain craner” after Alex Carey’s controversial tripping of Jonny Bairstow in the 2023 Ashes series, which sparked the “spirit of cricket” controversy by slamming England captain Ben Stokes for a touchdown in Oz.
The West Australian called England’s buzz-ball style under Stokes and coach Brendon McCullum “stupid” and “careless slashing batting”, while another edition of the paper, featuring a photo of Stokes alone as a “sitting duck”, reported that “most of the away captain’s arrogant team-mates have yet to show up”.
Ah, Buntz.
We hear more from Warner and Broad about how David Bumble-Lloyd predicts a 5-0 win for England, Glenn McGrath predicts a 5-0 sweep for the hosts as ever, and Steve Smith wonders whether stuffing the team with fast-paced bowlers will work, given that Australia’s pitches have been favored by ‘nibblers’ of late.
Warner said England were too concerned about a “moral victory” and would lose 4-0, but added that England might still win a game if captain Cummins missed any points.
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Let’s take a look back at some of the most heated moments of the 2023 Ashes series.
Broad, meanwhile, cited uncertainty in the top order of the batting and Cummins’ injury problems, calling Australia’s Test team the “worst” since England won the Ashes overseas in 2010/11. Then Hazlewood also had injury problems.
Stuart Broad says current Australian Test team is ‘worst since 2010’
England’s batting criticized as ‘unproven’ and ‘experienced’
Former Australia international quick Ryan Harris, who played in three Tests in 2010/11, said Broad was just “fueling the hype”, adding: “If he thinks this is the worst Australian team since the Ashes, he must be kidding.”
Turning to England, Harris said: “Their batting is unproven. We’ve got Zac Crawley and Ben Duckett on the wicket. Root has been out a lot, but he hasn’t scored a hundred yet, right?”
Of course, it happens again that “Australia has no ash in its roots”.
Former Australian opener David Warner dusted off his flamethrower ahead of The Ashes, helping the Baggy Greens beat England 4-0
Warner was among those to beat that drum, but urged him to stop berating Stokes, saying: “I think it would be a huge help to the Australians if we couldn’t poke that bear and get him to his feet.”
The West Australian newspaper didn’t listen to you, Davie, on Tuesday’s front page showed a green Perth pitch that could prove to be “a nightmare for England’s flat track buzzball bullies” and called “Captain Kiwi” Stokes “cheeky” to play golf with the visitors.
Sticking with Stokes, as the Western Australian player is sure to do, the England captain made his own dig at the “experienced” who criticized the tourists for playing only a solitary warm-up game ahead of the first Ashes Test.
Former England cricketer Sir Ian Botham expressed displeasure at the preparations, calling them “bordering on arrogance”, while former Australian Opener Simon Katich said Stokes’ men were “asking for trouble”.
All we want now is for the Ashes series on the field to be as headline-grabbing as the pre-event coverage. The time will soon come when the false war will end and the real battle will begin.
Ashes Series in Australia 2025-26
always UK and Ireland
First Test: Friday 21st November – Tuesday 25th November (2.30am) – Optus Stadium, Perth Second Test (day/night): Thursday 4th December – Monday 8th December (4.30am) – The Gabba, Brisbane Third Test: Wednesday 17th December – Sunday 21st December (12am) – Adelaide Oval Fourth Test: Thursday 25th December – Monday 29th December (11.30pm) – Melbourne Cricket Ground Fifth Test: Sunday 4th January – Thursday 8th January (11.30pm) – Sydney Cricket Ground
