For many parents, catching their child in a lie can feel like a personal betrayal. Many of us have been taught that lying equals disrespect, and disrespect deserves punishment.
The problem with punishment is that it creates fear, which can lead to more lies. Think about the last time you lied. What emotion caused it? Fear, shame, guilt? If you had known that your honesty would be met with empathy instead of anger, would you still have felt the need to hide the truth?
I have spent my career educating parents, teachers, and caregivers about early childhood development. This is the advice I give my kids when I catch them lying.
1. Redefine the meaning of a lie
It is developmentally normal for children to lie. In fact, this is a sign that their brain is developing the ability to plan, solve problems, and imagine different outcomes. These are the same skills that promote learning and creativity. Researchers even call this “executive function in action.”
In other words, lying is a developmental milestone, not a moral failure. There are several reasons why children lie. This may be to avoid punishment, cope with social stress, have poor impulse control, or protect their independence.
Understanding the “why” allows you to address the needs behind the behavior rather than the behavior itself.
2. Respond with safety, not shame.
When your child lies, your instinct may be to correct, scold, or punish them. Instead, focus on making them feel safe about being honest.
Make these your go-to phrases.
“I’m not angry at you. I’m angry about what happened because I want you to be safe. Let’s talk about what could have been differently.” “Even if you make a mistake, I still love you. It’s okay to tell me the truth.” “Are you afraid to tell me because you’re afraid I’ll get mad? (pause) It’s okay if I have hard feelings. I can calm my body down to help you.” “I want you to feel safe telling the truth. I will listen and I will tell you.” We can always solve problems together. ”
Each statement sends a clear message that it is safe to fail.
3. Look for the stress behind the lie
Let’s take a look at this example. Twelve-year-old Eva has an iPhone that she is allowed to use for an hour after school. Her mother Jane finds out that Eva sneaked the phone back to her room and lied about it.
When Jane calmly asks why, Eva admits that she needed to match her outfit with her friend Abby and didn’t want to disappoint her.
Jane could have focused on breaking the rules. Instead, she said: “Thanks for being honest with me. I get it. I remember wanting to match my clothes with my friend too. The one-hour rule still stands, but please say it next time. I’d rather give you five more minutes than make me feel like I need to hide.”
Jane maintained trust by responding with connection rather than control, and taught Eva that honesty leads to understanding, not punishment.
4. Build a culture of honesty
Even in families built on trust, children sometimes lie. That means they’re still learning.
To strengthen honesty at home:
Normalize mistakes. Children speak the truth without fear of shame. Admit your feelings. “I understand why you were nervous to talk to me” is very effective. Calmly repeat your expectations. Boundaries can coexist with empathy. Stay flexible. By watching you adapt, your children will learn that honesty is rewarded.
The more your child feels safe with you, the more likely he or she will be honest and try to come to you, even when it’s difficult.
So instead of asking, “How can I stop my child from lying?” ask, “What is this lie protecting them from?” Respond with empathy. Leave the door open to honesty. By doing so, you can build a long-lasting relationship of trust.
Alyssa Blask Campbell holds a master’s degree in early childhood education. Co-author of the New York Times bestsellers “Big Kids, Bigger Feelings” and “Tiny Humans, Big, Emotions.” and CEO of Seed & So. A mother of two, she has also been featured in numerous national publications as an expert on emotional development.
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