As a relationship counselor with over 10 years of experience, I’ve learned that even the closest couples face conflict. Emotionally intelligent couples are characterized by their ability to stay connected even when disagreements arise.
I’m often more concerned about couples who don’t fight. Avoiding fights completely hides unresolved wounds. After all, the closer the distance, the more likely a rupture will occur, and how you deal with it will be important.
Here are three different actions that emotionally intelligent couples take when faced with conflict.
1. Don’t assume the worst about your partner’s intentions.
We’ve all been there. One sharp comment can seem like an attack on your character. For example, if you forget to reply to a text message, it will be interpreted as a sign that you don’t care. Requests for space can be mistaken for abandonment.
Research shows that when couples are distressed, they’re more likely to interpret their partner’s actions in ways that feel intentional, fixed, and personal (“You did this because that’s who you are, right?”). Psychologists call this “negative attribution bias.”
Before a conflict escalates into defensiveness or personal attacks, I give my clients a quick exercise.
Write down what you want to say. For example, “Why do you shut down every time I bring something up?” Then cross out all sentences that diagnose your partner’s motives (“You don’t care,” “You’re trying to…,” “You always…”).
Next, try reframing. Write down an observable behavior, how that behavior affects you, and one clear, actionable request. “When you are silent in moments like this, I start to fill in the gaps myself. I tell myself that you don’t care, that I did something wrong, and I quickly feel alone. The only thing that really helps is to ask where you are, even if I don’t know what else to say yet.”
This is a great way to protect the relationship while naming the problem and providing something constructive.
2. Take responsibility for your emotions and plan together how to regulate them.
Emotionally intelligent couples don’t expect their partners to fix their feelings, but they also don’t shut each other out. A partner’s presence helps you stay regulated and connected, even when you’re angry or frustrated.
Pausing during conflict is one of the most difficult skills. The hardest part is when you get triggered and don’t have access to the tools. I often encourage couples to plan ahead with a “clean pause” script, such as, “I need 20 minutes to not say something I’ll regret. I’ll come back.”
Follow through is just as important as pausing. Couples can also take advantage of joint regulation. This is a small way to calm down together. “Can I sit next to you while we talk?” or “Can I just give you a hug first and then continue?”
These strategies can help your partner maintain a connection while taking responsibility for their feelings.
3. Stay curious even in the face of major conflicts
When people feel threatened, the brain prefers shortcuts. Emotionally intelligent couples slow down this process and, in effect, begin to explore each other’s inner worlds.
Curiosity is associated with closeness and intimacy in conversations, especially when there are disagreements.
One of the reasons why curiosity disappears after a year, 10, 20 years is because we start living our lives based on assumptions. We tell ourselves that the person across from us knows so much that we already know what our partner meant, what he felt, and why he did what he did.
The problem is, if you think you already know the story, you stop learning about your partner’s actual experience. Then, even if we disagree, the conflict becomes two competing narratives rather than a common inquiry into what is really going on.
Instead of assuming the worst, the most emotionally intelligent couples ask questions like:
“Can you help me understand what’s going on?” “Did you hear me?” “What part of this do you find most difficult?” “What have you been thinking about lately that I haven’t asked?” “What do you want more of right now?”
The strongest, most emotionally intelligent couples genuinely see their partner for who they are, not who they want their partner to be or who they once were.
Baya Voce is a relationship expert who helps couples get back together after conflict. She holds a master’s degree from Columbia University. She regularly speaks at SXSW, and her TEDx talk on loneliness has been viewed more than 5 million times.
Want to give your kids the ultimate advantage? Sign up for CNBC’s new online course, “How to Raise Financially Smart Kids.” Learn how to build healthy financial habits now to set your kids up for greater success in the future.
