All work boils down to just people talking to other people.
As a career coach, I have advised professionals at every stage of their career. From what I’ve seen, the people who get ahead the fastest know how to communicate so they can really listen to people.
You may not realize it, but the language you use could be standing between you and what you want.
Here are five simple language exchanges that will help you succeed, build meaningful relationships, and gain more respect in the workplace.
1. Swap closed and open requests
There will always be times when you come across a question that you don’t know how to ask.
Maybe you want to work from home, take a sabbatical, or take an extra week off for your honeymoon. Because these are high-stakes situations, most people approach the conversation with a sense of anxiety, cornering the other person and asking closed-ended yes-or-no questions.
However, asking open-ended questions can take the pressure off both parties and encourage dialogue about processes, priorities, and norms. That way you look more thoughtful than entitled.
Instead of “Can I write you a letter of recommendation?” instead of “Can I leave early on Friday?” ask, “What is the normal process for writing a recommendation?” Instead of “Can I get a promotion?” ask, “How flexible does your team typically have on Fridays?” “If I want to get promoted this year, what do you think I should prioritize?”
2. Exchange Apologies and Thanks
Whether it’s a typo in a Slack message or being 15 minutes late for an important meeting, mistakes happen.
While a sincere apology is sometimes necessary, over-apology is often counterproductive. Research shows that habitual and unnecessary apologies can damage how others perceive your competence and confidence.
However, not admitting small mistakes can feel awkward, so we recommend replacing unnecessary apologies with gratitude.
Instead of “Sorry, I’m a minute late!” Instead of “Sorry to keep you waiting, let’s get started.” Instead of “I’m sorry for all the questions, but I really appreciate you taking the time to explain things to me.” Instead of “I’m sorry, this was last minute, I understand.” Try “Thank you for being flexible with your schedule. It was a last minute thing.”
3. Replace “but” with “and”
The word “but” often negates everything that comes before it. If you’re saying two things that are equally valid, it’s a good idea to replace “but” with “and.”
Instead of “I love my job, but I need a raise,” try “I love my job, and I need a raise.” Instead of “This was a great quarter, but we need to improve our retention.” Instead of “This was a great quarter, we need to improve our retention.” Instead of “I appreciate your feedback, but I disagree,” try “I appreciate your feedback, but I have a slightly different perspective.”
In the “and” versions of these examples, neither statement is minimized. This allows two things to be true at the same time, increasing nuance and clarity.
4. Replace “I feel like…” with “I noticed that.”
The words “I think” come across as kind, soft, and humble, and all of that is fine. However, in a professional environment, the message can be softened to the point where it is easily dismissed. It frames your professional observations as personal feelings.
In a work environment that values data and clarity, that framework can work against you. You can instead say:
Instead of “I feel like I’m behind schedule,” try saying, “I’ve noticed that I’m behind schedule.” Instead of “I think you should choose option 2,” try saying, “I recommend proceeding with option 2.” Instead of “I feel like we disagree,” try saying, “It seems like we disagree on this point.”
5. Replace “why” with “how” or “what”
Questions that begin with “why” can put people on the defensive. Even unintentionally, “why” often implies judgment, asking someone to justify their choices or ideas.
When someone feels the need to protect themselves, the conversation becomes less supportive and more adversarial. Instead, ask your conversation partner to explain their thought process, rather than requiring them to explain themselves.
Instead of “Why do you think it’s a good idea to launch a week early?” Instead of “Why would you do that?” ask, “How do you think launching a week early would benefit your campaign?” Instead of “Why did you change the meeting?” ask, “What techniques are you using?” Instead of “Why did you think it wouldn’t work?” ask, “Why did you change the meeting?” Ask them, “How did you come to that conclusion?”
Ultimately, when you make these changes, the person you’re talking to will feel more heard and respected, and as a result, they’ll want to have an honest conversation with you.
Erin McGough is the founder of AdviceWithErin and author of The Secret Language of Work. Follow @AdviceWithErin.
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