We know that raising emotionally intelligent children will lead to future success. The challenge is that many of us have never been taught those skills ourselves.
Growing up, many of us have heard phrases like “stop crying,” “calm down,” and “cheer up.” Over time, those messages taught us to suppress our emotions rather than understand them. As adults and parents, we often find ourselves trying to teach emotional skills that we never had a chance to learn.
However, today’s children can develop emotional intelligence through daily interactions with the adults around them. The conversations we have, the questions we ask, and the sense of security they feel at home all shape how they understand emotions.
After years of studying more than 200 parent-child relationships, we found that certain questions consistently helped children develop emotional awareness, resilience, and empathy.
Here are 10 powerful questions parents can ask.
1. “How did your body express your emotions today?”
Children often experience emotions in their own bodies before they learn the words to describe them. By asking this question, they can begin to notice those signals.
A nervous child may complain of stomach pain. Excitement may appear as a warm face or a fast heartbeat. Recognizing these sensations helps children recognize their own emotional states.
2. “What emotion did you feel today? What caused it to appear?”
Children begin to realize that emotions are connected to experiences. Emotions begin to have meaning when we can connect them to what happened.
Your child may describe feeling proud after completing a project or feeling frustrated after disagreeing with a friend. These connections help them understand their emotions and respond more effectively.
3. “How can you tell if someone is feeling happy or sad?”
When children pay attention to the emotions of others, their empathy increases. This question makes students aware of facial expressions, tone of voice, and actions. I would like people to become more aware that emotions exist not only within themselves, but also in those around them.
4. “What are you proud of?”
Many children associate pride only with winning and good grades. This question will help shift their attention to your personal qualities.
Children begin to recognize things like kindness, persistence, and generosity as reasons to be proud. That recognition supports stronger self-esteem.
If you have trouble answering, some gentle prompting may help:
“Are you proud of how kind you were today?” “Are you proud of how hard you tried?” “Are you proud of the way you helped a friend?”
5. “What’s one thing you want someone to do when you’re frustrated?”
This question encourages children to think about their own needs in difficult moments.
Your child may want a hug, someone to sit next to him, or a quiet spot. Expressing these preferences helps them learn that their needs are important and that they can communicate them.
6. “I was nervous today. What made your body feel at ease again?”
Emotional intelligence involves learning how to calm your body during stressful moments.
Children begin to identify what is best for them. Some people feel better when they take deep breaths. Some people find it soothing to talk to their parents, hug a stuffed animal, move, or spend a few quiet minutes alone.
By being aware of these strategies, children can approach strong emotions with more confidence.
7. “What do you say to yourself when something feels difficult?”
This question introduces children to the concept of an inner voice.
Young children often benefit from hearing examples of supportive self-talk. Parents can model phrases such as:
“You can try again.” “Failure is a learning experience.” “It’s okay.” “I’m doing my best.”
Through repetition, children will begin to use these phrases themselves and their resilience will be strengthened.
8. “How do you show someone you care about their feelings?”
Children learn that empathy involves action. Caring for the feelings of others is often expressed in simple actions.
This may include listening to a friend, asking “Are you okay?”, sharing a toy, or sitting with someone who is feeling lonely. These daily actions help children practice kindness in tangible ways.
9. “What makes you special?”
This question helps children think about the qualities that define them.
Parents can list traits such as creativity, curiosity, humor, thoughtfulness, and courage and ask them which one they feel is true for them. Recognizing these qualities supports a healthy sense of identity that is not tied to comparison or achievement.
Reem Rauda is a conscious parenting guru and creator of the BOUND and FOUNDATIONS journals, now available together in the Emotional Safety Bundle. She is widely known for her expertise in child mental health and for redefining what it means to raise mentally healthy children. Find her on Instagram.
Want to give your kids the ultimate advantage? Sign up for CNBC’s new online course, “How to Raise Financially Smart Kids.” Learn how to build healthy financial habits now to set your kids up for greater success in the future.
