Parents today are trying to raise their children to have good grades, perfect behavior, and high grades. We want them to do well and be able to cope with life’s challenges. However, research shows that confidence and resilience come from a child’s ability to feel secure in being fully themselves.
In my work with over 200 children, and as a mother myself, I have found that behind defiance and behavioral problems, there is almost always a child who is reluctant to express what they are feeling or need.
In other words, how safe your child feels with you today will shape who he or she becomes as an adult. Here are six ways to establish safety early on.
1. Don’t rush your child’s emotions
Most parents are quick to calm down or solve the problem. If your child cries, you might say, “It’s okay.” When they are angry, we say, “Calm down.” When we are overwhelmed, we look for the quickest way out of the moment.
As a result, children learn to disconnect from themselves more and more quickly. What they actually need is a parent who can maintain that feeling with them for longer than they feel comfortable with.
Resist the urge to fill the silence. Instead, try saying, “I see you’re really upset. I’m here. Please take as much time as you need.” The simple act of staying teaches a child that their emotions can survive and are safe.
2. Let your child define their inner world
Parents always overwrite their children with, “There’s no way you’re hungry, you just ate.” “You went to bed early, why are you still tired?” “She’s your friend. You don’t hate her.”
Although well-intentioned, these phrases teach children not to trust what they feel and instead let others define their inner experience.
Research on emotional validation shows that children whose emotions are constantly overridden grow into adults who have a hard time trusting their own judgment.
Instead, ask, “What do you feel?” or “What do you think?” Then stop talking and let them take responsibility for their experience.
3. Know the difference between a child who is growing and a child who is adjusting.
Some of the best-behaved children are also the least mentally safe.
They often learn very early on that keeping the peace protects the connection and that being easy to manage keeps love intact. Therefore, they will therefore try to give you what you need.
However, children who push back or openly express their frustrations often feel the most emotionally safe.
4. Stop judging your child and start noticing them.
Words like “good job” and “disappointing” may seem innocuous, but they can send the wrong message to children that they are constantly being evaluated.
Rather than judge, describe what you see and be interested in what they feel. Instead of saying, “Good job,” try saying, “I noticed how hard you worked.” Instead of “stop being so mean,” think about how you’re feeling right now.
Safety comes from moving from judgment to genuine curiosity.
5. Not everything requires a response
The urge to overexplain or overcorrect often stems from love. However, when all emotions and actions are inputted instantly, the child does not get the space to process his emotions. They learn to look outside for answers and over time stop listening to their own thoughts.
Resist the urge to coach every moment and be present without a plan.
6. Do your own emotional work
To teach emotional safety, you need to make it feel authentic. Children can feel the difference between a parent who acts calm and a parent who actually makes an effort to gain access to them.
Be curious about your own reactions. When a moment feels very exciting, ask yourself, “Why does this feel like such a big deal to me right now?” That question alone begins to break the pattern.
Before reacting to a child in a difficult moment, I often take a breath and ask myself: “Whose emotions am I actually responding to right now? My emotions or theirs?”
Reem Rauda is a conscious parenting guru and creator of the BOUND and FOUNDATIONS journals, now available together in the Emotional Safety Bundle. She is widely known for her expertise in child mental health and for redefining what it means to raise mentally healthy children. Find her on Instagram.
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