England rugby star Ellie Kildon has opened up about her battle with body dysmorphia, which she developed during the 2020 coronavirus lockdown.
Kildane helped England win last year’s Rugby World Cup, scoring five tries, including a stunning solo goal in a 33-13 victory over Canada in the final at a packed Allianz Stadium.
Speaking ahead of the Red Roses’ 33-12 victory over Ireland in the Six Nations opening game, in which Kildon also scored, she told BBC Sport she felt “really alone” following the elation of their World Cup victory.
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The England full-back also opened up about his unhealthy weight loss and an eating disorder he developed after being prevented from playing competitive rugby during the pandemic.
“I may have seen myself getting smaller, but I kept trying to get smaller,” Kildan, who recently published his autobiography Game Changer, told the BBC.
“I wasn’t always in a team environment with physical therapists and teammates.
“And body dysmorphia is so funny because even though I’m small, I look bigger in the mirror.
“I realize now that it was a really stupid thing to do, and looking back on it now, I don’t know why I did it, but it made my relationship with food go from bad to worse.
“In the rugby world, I was seen as small, but in the world outside of rugby, I was seen as big, so I never really had a place where I felt comfortable and where I fit in.
“Maybe I was rebelling against everything, but at the same time I didn’t know what I was getting into.”
Kildan, who now plays for Harlequins, said the issue came to light during physiotherapy at his former club Wasps, when head physio Emily Ross asked him if he was okay.
“I burst into tears, probably because I was waiting for someone to say that,” Kildan said.
“I knew I had a problem, but I didn’t try to stop it.
“But as soon as you say something out loud to someone, you become responsible. If I don’t stop at this point, I’m only stopping because I told you, and I don’t want you to worry.”
“So we had a really honest conversation, and Emily became a real support for me from that point on.”
Kildon added that she feels “in control now” and can talk about things, “and it doesn’t turn me on.”
“I’m finally starting to realize the impact I have on others. I want to do more than I’ve ever done before because I truly believe it can help people.”
“Everything looks perfect from the outside, but I want to show people that no one is perfect.
“Just because I’m an England rugby player doesn’t make me a superhero. And I want to empathize with people who are probably going through similar things and give them the friendship and support that I probably needed.”
