Picture this: You are in the middle of a difficult conversation or negotiation. The other person is probably trying to push you over the edge with a casual comment or a series of subtle digs.
My heart is pounding. Adrenaline rushes. Your brain will remind you of that perfect stimulus. As the words begin to leave your mouth, a little voice in your head says, “Maybe not.”
This comment from your mouth will almost certainly set you on a path of no return. However, the train has already left the station. How can you step back and pivot without appearing weak, awkward, or scattered?
In high-stakes negotiations and difficult conversations, both in our personal and professional lives, we tend to become obsessed with saying the right thing. But as CEO of the American Negotiation Institute and a communications expert, I’ve found that we often overlook an even more powerful skill: knowing when not to say what you’re about to say.
Perfect your “pullback” technique
I call this the “99% rule.” While you can get 99% of conversations perfectly correct, the remaining 1% has the power to ruin an entire deal or moment in the form of one unfiltered, impulsive comment.
To prevent this from happening, you need to master the technique of “pull back.”
This is not easy to do in a real conversation. Perhaps emotions are running high on both sides. Or, subconsciously, your brain may be telling you that the best and smoothest decision is to stick with your original idea because you’re afraid that changing course will make you look incompetent.
The good news? There are ways to catch yourself mid-sentence and change direction without seeming like you’ve completely lost your footing.
decide your own shifts
The next part may feel a little choppy, probably because it does this pivot mid-sentence. But know that it’s not as bad as our brains are telling us.
Here are some simple phrases that can naturally take a conversation in a new direction.
“Wait, let me rephrase that.” “That’s not what I meant. Let me try again.” “Actually, let me say it another way.” “Look, don’t worry about that. Let’s focus…”
reframe forward
Move the conversation forward with more intentional and productive messages. Here are some of my favorite transitions.
“What I really want to understand is…” “What’s really important to me is…” “What I really want from this conversation is…”
Accept the awkwardness
Don’t allow fear of looking incomplete to lead you 50 miles down the wrong path. We are all awkward. We all stumble. That’s completely normal and better than doing irreparable damage to your relationship.
Your message won’t always get across perfectly and smoothly, and that’s okay. The smartest thing you can do is seize opportunities to steer the conversation away from harm and toward greater productivity.
Rehearse your pivot in advance
Remember, practice makes perfect. Take time to rehearse how you’ll make this switch during a difficult conversation with someone in your life. It may not seem like a big deal, but practicing out loud will stimulate your brain to remember your winning strategies when you really need them.
Kwame Christian is a bestselling author, keynote speaker, and CEO of the American Negotiation Institute. His podcast, “Negotiate Anything,” has been downloaded over 16 million times in over 180 countries, and his TEDx talk, “Finding Confidence in Conflict,” has been viewed over 650,000 times. As a business attorney and LinkedIn learning instructor with over 2.3 million learners, Kwame has been featured on Forbes, NPR, and USA Today, and has worked with Fortune 500 companies including Google, Apple, and NASA.
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