Making new friends can be scary. There’s always the risk of being rejected or saying the wrong thing.
I’ve been researching and reporting on friendships for 10 years. I also wrote a book about why friendships are failing right now, even though it’s easier than ever to stay in touch.
Building lasting friendships requires more than just someone who is interested in you. The most lasting friendships are those that allow you to marvel at the world together. It’s an exchange of equals where we talk about what we both value.
Use any of these five questions to help create meaningful connections.
1. “What have you been into lately?”
This question asks for enthusiasm. The best-case scenario is that you realize that you share the same obsession with the other person, and you quickly connect.
You might say, “Are you obsessed with finding the best croissant in Paris? I’ll send you some recommendations,” or “Are you trying to reduce screen time? Me too. What tools do you use?”
If you don’t share your preferences, you can extend the interaction by going into “tell me more mode.”
You might ask something like, “Did you just get a new kitten? Can I see a picture?” “I don’t know anything about growing tomatoes. How on earth do you keep them alive in your apartment?”
2. “What keeps you busy?”
I much prefer this to asking where someone works. Taking the lead at work can make you come across as critical or competitive, even if you don’t mean to.
Asking questions like “What are you busy with?” makes it easier to ask about the other person’s hobbies and passions. It shows that you’re genuinely interested in finding out what makes this person shine. Exchanging superficial credentials does not have the same impact.
You can also avoid potential awkwardness if the other person is at work or not in the mood to talk about work.
3. “What have you seen, read, or listened to that you would recommend?”
I love this question because it’s a way to present what marriage therapist John Gottman calls a “bid,” the basic unit of emotional connection.
In his research, Gottman found that spouses who respect each other’s needs are more likely to have longer, happier marriages. Bidding can include simple questions like “Can I have a glass of water?” or small attempts to connect. or “Do you need a haircut?”
The same principle applies when building friendships. If someone asks, “Have you seen the new blockbuster?” and simply saying, “No, I haven’t,” can chill the conversation.
If your potential friend is into a particular podcast or TV show, make a bid to check it out. Now you have a natural reason to reconnect.
4. “Who or what makes you laugh the most?”
This question is all about finding a common sensibility. Humor is very subjective, so if you both find the same things funny, it’s a sign that you really understand each other.
Evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar included humor as one of the seven pillars of friendship. The remaining six share the same language, received a similar education, grew up in the same geographic region, have similar hobbies, similar moral values, and similar musical tastes.
According to Dunbar, the more points of connection you have with someone, the more likely a friendship will form and last.
5. “What do you wish more people knew about you?”
This question is introspective, gives the recipient a chance to be vulnerable, and is the building block of some of the best friendships.
It’s also low-pressure and open-ended, which can lead to some amazing and memorable conversations.
I was recently talking to an auto mechanic and I asked him this question. I learned that he served in the military and was stationed in Germany in the 1960s. This led to an unexpectedly lively discussion about German beer. Our friendship is off to a promising start!
Anna Goldfarb is a friendship expert and author of Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections, a must-read for the Next Big Idea Club. She is the author of “Substack Friendship Explained.” She has been featured in The New York Times, The Atlantic, The Washington Post, WIRED, The Oprah Daily, Goop, and more. Follow her on Instagram.
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