Many people spend months or even years stuck in an unhealthy relationship, stuck in a cycle of self-doubt and wondering if it’s their imagination, if they’re overreacting, or if leaving is the right thing to do.
As a psychologist who studies couples, I’ve found that there are clear signs that one or both partners’ relationship is no longer healthy. But they are easy to miss when you are experiencing them.
Here are seven red flags about a very unhealthy relationship and how to tell if it’s affecting you.
1. Conflict ends in contempt.
Research shows that contempt is one of the strongest predictors of divorce. Your partner may ridicule you, call you names, or be patronizing when you have a disagreement. They might also roll their eyes, scoff at your concerns, or be sarcastic and put you down.
Most relationships can survive conflict, but chronic incivility is much more difficult to overcome. When contempt becomes part of a couple’s dynamic, concerns stop being treated as legitimate issues and begin to be treated as evidence that something is wrong with the other person.
2. They back off when you ask.
Another troubling pattern is what researchers call the “demand-withdrawal cycle.” This occurs when one partner asks for change, discussion, or a solution (e.g., “We need to talk about this”) and the other partner becomes evasive, changes the subject, or leaves the room or stonewall altogether.
Both partners contribute to the cycle, but over time the cycle often becomes self-reinforcing. The more one side pursues a solution, the more the other will want to back out. As a result, important issues remain unresolved and dissatisfaction on both sides continues to grow.
Eventually, couples stop resolving issues at all and become stuck in repetitive patterns.
3. You feel like you’re walking on eggshells.
In healthy relationships, we may constantly monitor what we say, rehearse conversations before having them, or simply avoid topics that are important to us to keep the peace. Their main concern is to prevent conflict and hostility, rather than to express themselves freely.
This sign can be particularly difficult to recognize because it is primarily internal. To others, the relationship may seem completely normal. However, living in a constant state of alert is tiring.
4. They use control disguised as love.
Coercive control is one of the most insidious red flags in relationships, but it’s also one of the most overlooked. Unlike physical aggression, coercive control works through surveillance, intimidation, isolation, guilt, and limiting a partner’s autonomy.
What makes these behaviors especially dangerous is that they are often disguised as concern or dedication. Your partner may insist on knowing your whereabouts at all times, demand access to your phone, inhibit your independence, and gradually isolate you from others.
Even worse, they may do it while saying it’s for their own benefit.
5. Everything is somehow always your fault
Accountability is an essential element in healthy relationships, but it is usually absent in unhealthy relationships. Instead, when concerns arise, blame is routinely shifted and responsibility becomes one-sided. The person who raises the issue is framed as the perpetrator, while the other partner consistently avoids responsibility.
Doing this repeatedly can cause further disorientation. You may question your own perceptions, doubt your memory of events, and accept responsibility for problems you did not cause.
In a healthy relationship, there is plenty of room for both partners to make mistakes without fear of blame or scapegoating.
6. Aggression is the norm
A common misconception is that aggression needs to be physical before it is considered abusive, but this is not always the case. Aggression can be physical, verbal, emotional, or psychological.
Psychological attacks are particularly harmful because they are easily woven into everyday interactions. It may include threats, insults, threats, yelling, destroying property, or deliberate attempts to emotionally harm your partner.
When this kind of hostility becomes the default mode of communication, the relationship becomes a source of serious distress. If this exists in your relationship, it is important to seek support from trusted loved ones or qualified professionals.
7. You are losing your sense of self.
One of the most obvious signs of an unhealthy relationship is a gradual loss of self. At this point, the relationship begins to consume your identity. We sacrifice hobbies, interests, goals, values, and personal growth in order to maintain relationships or avoid conflict.
By extension, the partner may become distant from friends and family, feel guilty about spending time alone, or become increasingly dependent on the partner for emotional fulfillment.
Keep in mind that no relationship is perfect. But if some of these patterns persist or escalate, it’s worth paying attention to. If you are unsure, consult a mental health professional.
Dr. Mark Travers is a psychologist specializing in human relationships. He holds degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder. He is the lead psychologist at Awake Therapy, a telemedicine company that provides online psychotherapy, counseling, and coaching. He is also the curator of the popular mental health and wellness website Therapytips.org.
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