I have worked with over 5,000 children. I swear by this number one parenting rule. It’s “amazingly simple.”

Parents today ask many questions of their children. And there’s usually a good reason. In other words, they want to be respectful and cooperative.

I hear them asking for agreement on daily decisions (“What’s for dinner?”), disguising frustration as a question (“How many times do I have to say that?”), or negotiating when it’s best to set clear boundaries (“How about I take a bath first, then watch another show?”).

While questions can definitely help build connections and encourage reflection, they often backfire by creating confusion and unnecessary power struggles.

As a kindergarten teacher, professor, and child development specialist, I have worked with over 5,000 families. Here’s a surprisingly simple rule I keep coming back to: “Say what you want to say.”

Children do not have the experience or emotional maturity to consider every decision or decide what will happen next. They need clear and confident leadership.

That’s why rhetorical “why” questions often only increase shame and defensiveness. A more effective approach is to identify what you want to say and communicate it simply and directly.

Instead of “Why do I have to ask this over and over again?!”: “I keep asking you this. I know it’s frustrating for both of us. Now it’s time to put on your shoes and go.” Instead of “Why do you always do this?!”

See the difference? Some approaches escalate shame and defensiveness. The other encourages teamwork, reflection, and problem solving.

One of my basic parenting principles is what I call the “say what you mean” principle. Before you react, ask yourself, “What am I actually trying to convey?”

Then say:

Instead of “Why did you hit your brother?!” try: “I can’t hit my brother. Even when I’m angry, I shouldn’t hit him. How can I show him that I’m upset in another way?” Instead of “Why is your room so messy?” “There’s a lot of stuff on the floor that shouldn’t be there. Let’s clean it together.”

Children need guidance rather than interrogation, and clarification is often much more effective than questioning.

Another common trap is turning simple instructions into questions. Parents often ask, “Can I put my shoes on?” or “Once this show is over, it’s time to go to bed, right?”

My parents are trying to appear respectful and kind, and I understand that. However, when a non-negotiable task is framed as a question, children may become confused as to whether the task is actually optional. After all, you asked.

This opens the door to unnecessary power struggles and can create a child who may interpret everything as negotiable.

Instead, try speaking calmly and directly.

“Put your shoes on. We’re leaving.” “Dinner is ready. Wash your hands.” “It’s time for bed.”

Clear leadership often helps children feel calmer and more cooperative.

Questions are extremely valuable as they help children reflect, problem solve, express themselves and build confidence and self-awareness. These are the kinds of conversations we want more of.

Children don’t need to ask endless questions to feel respected. Fewer questions means you’ll be more intentional about deciding when leadership is needed, when collaboration is appropriate, and when your child needs clarity rather than negotiation.

Over time, these small changes in communication can make a big difference in your home.

Siggy Cohen is a child development expert and author of the new book “You Are the Parent.” She earned a master’s degree in education and psychology from Pepperdine University and graduated with a doctorate in philosophy from Northcentral University. She is the mother of three adult sons and currently lives in the Bay Area where she has a private practice.

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