Credit card debt can obviously be stressful, even if you’re not the one carrying the balance.
“It’s always so stressful when I find out a friend has a lot of credit card debt,” wrote X user Alex Ray on July 5, which has since received 32,000 likes.
Ray is a 30-year-old bartender and freelance writer living in Baltimore. He said he tries to avoid credit card debt, but sees many of his colleagues in the service industry carrying credit card balances and other forms of debt.
“When I know that my friends are being a little more free-spirited[with credit card debt]it stresses me out,” he says. “My parents instilled in me that credit cards should be used like debit cards and that you should never spend more than you have.”
Many X users shared Ray’s stress, replying with anecdotes about friends and co-workers who racked up five-figure credit card debt but continued to eat out, book travel, and shop for discretionary items. This kind of “vicarious anxiety” is common, says Lindsey Brian Podvin, a financial therapist and founder of Mind Money Balance.
“When other people’s actions or attitudes stress us out, it’s mostly because we do things differently,” she says. “But the biggest thing to understand about people and relationships is that you can’t expect others to be who you are or behave the way you do.”
Why debt causes anxiety
The fear of looming debt is not entirely unreasonable.
Unaddressed debt can have far-reaching negative effects. In the short term, paying too much debt can make it difficult to maintain your living expenses and save for emergencies and retirement. And if you can’t pay your debts, the problem can get even worse.
For example, carrying balances on credit cards or other debt for too long can lower your credit score and make it harder to get a mortgage or get approved for a lease.
Brian Podvin can get stressed out when he sees someone in his life seemingly ignoring such consequences. He says this is because it causes our own beliefs and anxieties about money.
“Most people associate debt with being irresponsible, taking risks, and doing something bad,” she says. “And when other people say those things to us, we assume that they too must feel danger, discomfort, delay, and failure. So why don’t they?”
Brian Podvin lists several reasons why some people don’t stress about debt as much as others.
Avoidance. Simply ignoring bills or refusing to develop a concrete plan of action are common coping mechanisms for people dealing with financial turmoil, and while they provide “instant relief,” they don’t solve the underlying problem. Normalization: Debt is so common in American society that for many people it feels like part of everyday life. For some people, that means there is no urgent need to deal with it. Financial Nihilism: Even if you start reducing your debt gradually, with this mindset you will never be able to fully pay it off. So why stress about it?
In general, financial stress is bad for you, as is stress caused by other factors such as work, relationships, and geopolitical events. According to the Mayo Clinic, chronic, long-term stress can have negative effects on your physical health, including headaches, muscle pain, and gastrointestinal issues.
That being said, even if you’re not stressed, it’s generally unwise to carry a credit card balance without a repayment plan in place.
“Stress and anxiety are important and normal for short-term, limited-time administration,” says Brian Podvin. It may be helpful if these feelings prompt you to take action, such as creating a plan to pay off your debt.
But that feeling doesn’t motivate everyone to take action. And adding more stress to the situation won’t change it, she says, and can make the problem even worse if it turns into more chronic, long-term anxiety.
How to deal with secondary financial insecurity
Everyone is on their own financial journey. If you’re worried about someone else’s debt or financial situation, we encourage you to take a look at yourself. Ask yourself why the thought of debt makes you anxious. If it’s because you equate debt with irresponsibility or other negative personality traits, try to rewrite that narrative, says Brian-Podvin.
To that end, it may be helpful to remind yourself that debt can be the result of events outside of the debtor’s control, such as a job loss, high living expenses, or a medical emergency. In fact, more than half of Americans (56%) say they have credit card debt for necessities like gas, groceries, and child care, a June U.S. News and World Report survey found.
In other words, your friend may just be making ends meet. And even if you think they are financially irresponsible, you should first find out if they actually want your help before intervening.
“Exposing your fears and insecurities to your friends probably won’t do anything, and will probably push them away,” says Brian Podvin.
However, if your friend finds themselves in a high-risk situation, such as possible eviction, it’s a good idea to voice your concerns and ask what their plans are. Show up and offer emotional support, especially if your friend is expressing their anxiety and asking for help.
But “if you’re judging them solely because they have more debt than they personally can afford, sitting them down at brunch and saying, ‘I just heard about this great method called the snowball method,’ probably won’t help you much,” she says.
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