“If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.” This is one of the most common lies I hear parents tell their children in my psychotherapy. But most of the time, these parents don’t even realize they’re sending the wrong message.
There’s nothing wrong with expressing encouragement and support. However, by telling your child that they can achieve anything, you are showing them that any desire is within their reach. It also suggests that achieving goals that are unattainable to most people, like becoming a pop star or getting into an Ivy League university, is all about hard work.
As a psychologist who has worked with parents for over 20 years, I have seen this advice backfire. Too much focus on results can strengthen “extrinsic motivation.” In other words, children’s motivation to work hard or try something new comes from external rewards that they don’t necessarily have control over, such as praise, good grades, or trophies.
It’s better to be realistic. Here are five things you can say instead.
1. “Try something new even if it’s scary.”
Remind your kids that new challenges can be scary, like riding a bike, acting in a play, or applying to college. Naming your fear ahead of time can help normalize it. You might say: “I know it’s scary. There’s nothing wrong with feeling that way.”
When parents justify their feelings, children experience what psychologists call “conformity.” Children feel seen when they know their parents understand what they are going through. And this kind of emotional attunement fosters resilience and helps children feel more confident and motivated when tackling all kinds of challenges.
2. “Sometimes it takes a while for your efforts to pay off.”
In the age of social media, it’s easy for children to witness others’ victories and believe that accomplishments should happen overnight. But in most cases, hard work is an investment that pays dividends over time, rather than paying dividends right away.
By encouraging children to develop a “growth mindset,” or the belief that hard work and dedication can enhance their abilities, you can motivate them to keep doing something, even if it doesn’t come easily. Because while they may not accomplish anything, they can get better at most things they try.
3. “Disappointment is a learning opportunity.”
Many children imitate their heroes. This motivates them to achieve high goals, such as becoming a famous musician or athlete. However, children’s fantasies do not always correspond to reality. Even older kids don’t always realize how unlikely it is to become the next Olivia Rodrigo with the talent and luck needed for such a feat.
Proverbs like “If you put your mind to it, you can achieve anything” represent false promises, and children can be disappointed when parts of their dreams inevitably fall apart.
Instead, encourage your child to try new things and do their best. Reassure them that it’s normal to feel disappointed in the face of setbacks, and that they can also see disappointment as a learning opportunity and an invitation to try again.
Share some examples from your own life, such as when you were passed over for a promotion or when you didn’t get an A despite studying hard. Children often forget that we were once in their shoes. By sharing your story, you show your children that you’re human too, making them feel less alone.
4. “If you work hard, you can keep going.”
Being persistent doesn’t guarantee your child will win a trophy or be number one, but it has many psychological benefits whether you win or lose. A tenacious mindset helps increase motivation and serves as a foundation for self-discipline, optimism, empathy, and self-compassion.
These qualities protect a child’s mental health as they inch toward adolescence and adulthood, and support the development of “intrinsic motivation,” the child’s ability to enjoy an activity for the sake of doing it, regardless of the consequences.
5. “I can’t do everything well, and that’s okay.”
Contrary to popular belief, the most supportive parents tell their children that not everything will be fine.
Children who know the truth are able to set more realistic goals in life and ultimately feel more confident and capable. They are also less likely to have unreasonable expectations of themselves and others.
As a psychologist, I have reflected on many of my clients and realized that this is one of the best lessons taught to them by their parents.
Juli Fraga is a licensed psychologist with nearly 20 years of experience working with new parents. She is the co-author of the book “Parents Have Feelings Too.” She also teaches workshops for expectant parents and supervises psychiatry residents at the University of California, San Francisco (UCSF) Hospital. Follow her on Instagram @parentshavefeelingstoo.
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