Children tend to express their emotions through actions. Toddlers scream and hit when they don’t get their way. When middle school students get angry, they stomp their feet and leave the room. Teenagers express their frustration and frustration by rolling their eyes and slamming the door.
As a psychologist and co-author of Parents Have Feelings, I’ve worked with hundreds of parents who feel overwhelmed when their children don’t listen, misbehave for no reason, or throw tantrums. Some try to negotiate with the children. Some people get irritated and lose their cool. Both approaches can leave parents feeling even more burdened and unmanageable.
Misbehaving is a normal part of childhood. And it’s a form of communication, a kind of clue to the scary feelings and insecurities behind the meltdown.
Parents who follow their children’s cues and are able to address their children’s underlying emotions set them up for long-term success. These children become more emotionally intelligent, which helps them overcome setbacks, embrace independence, and try new things.
Next time your child does something, try doing these five things.
1. Calm yourself first
Whether your toddler throws a tantrum or your teen yells at you, it’s normal to feel upset and even lose your cool.
However, children learn by watching our actions, so try to remain calm in the midst of chaos. Pause and take five deep abdominal breaths. It may sound simple, but deep breathing helps bring oxygen to your muscles and triggers your body’s relaxation response.
Emotions are contagious, so if parents remain calm, their children will “catch” that calmness and learn how to control their own big emotions.
2. Act like a detective, not a CEO
When your child acts out, you may want to say, “Stop!” Or you might go into problem-solving mode. However, taking the initiative can make children close-minded and hurt their self-confidence.
Instead of acting like a CEO, approach the situation like a detective. Be curious and ask yourself, “What is going on with my child right now that is causing this behavior?”
For example, a child who lies may be afraid of getting into trouble, while a teen who rejects boundaries may want more independence. Tell your child that telling the truth is always celebrated, and invite your boundary-pushing teen to brainstorm what they want.
If you can identify the root cause, the mystery is solved and the battle is more than half over.
3. Help your child name their emotions
A child’s misbehavior may be what psychologists call a “defense.” Defense tactics such as being dishonest, avoiding others, criticizing others, and misdirecting anger are great ways to protect yourself from painful emotions.
Defenses temporarily numb strong emotions such as shame, guilt, and sadness, but in the long term they do not help children “feel and cope” with life’s challenges.
Finding language to express our emotions is called “emotion naming,” and it calms the brain’s amygdala and helps us suppress big emotions. Help your child name the emotions that are hidden by their defenses. Just ask, “Are you sad?” “Are you angry?” or “Are you worried?” is a good start.
4. Investigate whether your behavior plays a role
Children imitate behaviors they witness at school and at home. If your child repeatedly misbehaves, reflect on your behavior. Ask yourself:
“How do I deal with my emotions?” “What do I do when I feel angry, sad, anxious, or afraid?” “Are I using defenses to cope with painful emotions instead of dealing with them?” “Do my child’s actions reflect my own?”
Simply taking a little time to identify and examine your feelings and look for what you need can go a long way. Start by scanning your body from head to toe. What sensations do you notice?
A heaviness in your chest can be a sign of sadness and could mean you need support from a partner or friend. Anger, on the other hand, can raise your body temperature and tense your jaw, which can signal the need to set boundaries, take time for self-care, or address an issue.
5. Consider the role of unresolved stress
Daily or long-term stress affects the mind and body. Stress factors can disrupt a child’s nervous system and make it difficult to regulate emotions.
As a psychologist, I know that this dysregulation can affect children’s behavior. This is why children often regress when they have a newborn or go through a difficult transition period. This is why children often get sick when they are too tired.
The acronym HALT, which stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired, can help parents identify potential stressors that are making it difficult for their children to regulate their emotions and causing them to act out.
Try meeting their needs first and see if their behavior changes. A well-timed snack, a nap, and some quality time can be the perfect reset.
Juli Fraga is a licensed psychologist with nearly 20 years of experience working with new parents. She is the co-author of the book “Parents Have Feelings Too.” She also teaches workshops for expectant parents and supervises psychiatry residents at the University of California, San Francisco (UCSF) Hospital. Follow her on Instagram @parentshavefeelingstoo.
