It’s easy to get caught up in the overload of questions. You are there and someone is waiting for your answer. However, you disagree with the premise of the other person’s question and feel that the question is intended to make you look bad.
You may be tempted to answer anyway, or you may be hoping that your answer will change people to your point of view. But there’s a better technique, one that the late feminist icon Gloria Steinem used to great effect in her memorable appearance on NBC’s “Meet the Press.”
“Mr. Steinem, I think we can all agree that the women’s movement has made more progress in the last year or two than in the 50 years since women won the right to vote,” journalist Shanna Alexander began, recounting the 1972 episode.
Then she asked, “But since this is a militant movement, I would like to ask you, as you see, who is the enemy now?”
Content of Gloria Steinem’s answer
Steinem refuses to take the bait, and the way she responds contains a simple but powerful lesson.
“Well, I wouldn’t call this an ‘extremist movement,’ because the word ‘extremist’ implies violence,” Steinem said. “I would rather call the Pentagon an ‘extremist movement.'” She also took issue with the word “enemy,” saying she wanted to think of “enemies” as “those who have taken control of our lives.”
I taught communications at Columbia Business School and Duke University’s Fuqua School of Business for more than a decade, and Steinem used a technique I called “word trading.”
She rejected both “combatant” and “enemy” as inaccurate terms, choosing instead to describe herself. She realized that accepting the premise of the question would solidify a false impression, so she wanted to correct the record up front.
How to use the “word trading” strategy
You can use the same strategy whenever someone in your life asks you a question using terminology you don’t agree with.
Before you answer, choose the word or phrase that you think is more accurate and explain why you made the substitution. Adding this step allows you to resist their unfair framing without appearing defensive.
It might sound like:
Imagine someone asked you this. You can say, “My project is stuck, what is the plan to get it back on track?” You can say, “I can’t say ‘stuck.’ We decided to strategically move the date to complete the security review. This was essential. Here we are.” Similarly, you may be asking, “How do I replace lost revenue after losing my account?” You can reframe their statement to say: “We didn’t ‘lose’ the account; we chose not to renew it on the unfair terms they were asking for. This is our strategy to increase revenue in other ways.” Or, someone might ask, “Why were you so quiet in your client meeting?” Tell them, “I don’t think ‘quiet’ is the right word. I was listening carefully as they talked openly about what they needed. I wanted to give them the space to share their thoughts so we could know where they really stood and take the right next steps to keep their business afloat.”
People often try to put words in your mouth or ask questions in a biased way. But with “verbal exchange,” you can push back, like Gloria Steinem did, to convey the nuance that’s appropriate for the situation.
Dorie Clark has taught executive education for over 10 years at Columbia Business School and Duke University’s Fuqua School of Business. She is a keynote speaker, former presidential campaign spokesperson, and author of the best-selling book The Long Game. You can subscribe to her e-newsletter here.
