“Am I enough?” This question plagues many of us. But who exactly are we trying to prove ourselves to? Society? What about our parents? Potential spouse?
I’m a psychologist, speaker, and author who has spent years researching self-esteem. One of the central ideas of my new book, Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment, is that in order to feel truly worthy, we must stop trying to reach some external standard. In fact, in order to feel worthy, you have to stop valuing yourself altogether.
The people who feel the most self-respect and security are the ones who don’t try to prove anything. They’re just focused on being themselves. Authenticity is linked to happiness, according to a meta-analysis of dozens of studies. In fact, researchers explain that authenticity is the essence of happiness.
So if you want to feel worthy, secure and happy, stop asking yourself, “How can I ever be good enough?” Instead, try, “How can I be myself?”
What science says about authenticity
Despite our common urge to act fake in order to belong, we fit better when we’re authentic.
In one study, people with social anxiety were told to avoid safety behaviors such as talking or speaking too quickly to avoid awkward silences, believing that the listener was not interested. Once they stopped these misbehaviors, others reported becoming more interested in talking to and befriending them. why? Participants became more immersive, interested, and actively involved.
But don’t be honest only when you know people will like you. Otherwise, you will fall into the trap of trying to please others first. Sometimes our honesty may cause others to reject us. But instead of changing ourselves, we need to tolerate those consequences as long as it’s physically safe. Researchers believe that authenticity means “choosing to exist and taking responsibility for that choice.”
Integrity helps us feel worthy because it involves treating ourselves as if who we are is important and worthy of expression, regardless of what others think.
How to be yourself and feel worthy
When you get used to pretending to be someone you think is likable, your true self can begin to feel inaccessible. And being yourself can seem like a lot of work.
Here are some strategies to get you there. This will help you feel more valued.
1. Appreciate your fear of rejection
Suppressing the fear of rejection often ironically makes it even stronger, a phenomenon known in psychology as ironic process theory. The more we can welcome and accept uncomfortable emotions, the less likely we are to let them control us.
Think of fear as a request for attention and compassion. Thank you for trying to help me feel connected and belonging to the people who are important to you.
2. Imagine your friend’s point of view
You may view certain traits as shameful or embarrassing. However, research shows that the more you can find compassion for the parts of yourself that seem flawed, the more authentic you will feel.
Try to step back from yourself and vividly imagine another person’s point of view. For example, think about a mistake you made at work. Your instinct may be to take it as evidence that you are inferior. Instead, imagine your best friend telling you that your mistakes don’t define you, they only make you human.
3. Write down what benefits you will receive if you are rejected
The anxiety of not being enough persists because we imagine it to be an excruciating experience. However, if you know that you’re okay even if some people don’t like you, this anxiety is likely to fade.
In fact, you might even benefit. You will learn to grieve and move on instead of being trapped in a state of fear. It also helps you prioritize your own approval over the approval of others.
Write everything down. When you only think about it, you may end up repeating the negative experience without getting over it. Writing can help you reach deeper levels of catharsis and meaning-making and improve your mental health.
4. Make a list of your strengths
You may feel like you have to prove your worth in every interaction. Writing down a list of your strengths (humor, intelligence, presence, taste, compassion) can help you believe that people will like you without you having to try so hard to be liked, but research shows that it can have the opposite effect.
5. Develop and repeat a mantra
When your brain is distracted by other people’s approval, you can manually bring the attention back to yourself.
Establish a mantra that reminds you how much you value who you are. Be careful not to repeat the word unnecessarily. Every time you recite the mantra, feel a change within you. It should cause positive emotions.
You might say to yourself:
“I want to be mine first.” “The goal is not to get them to like me. The goal is to be myself and accept the consequences.” “The most important person to please is myself.” “Being myself is always enough.”
Marisa G. Franco is a psychologist, University of Maryland professor, speaker, and bestselling author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Helps You Make and Keep Friends. Her second book, Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment, will be released on September 15th. Her research has been featured in Psychology Today, The New York Times, The Telegraph, and Vice.
