A few years ago, I started paying more attention to how couples talked in the morning. Rather than during a fight or heated conversation, you might be able to chat during the normal 10 minutes between waking up and leaving the house.
As a psychologist who studies couples, I know that much of what happens in those sometimes confusing moments has to do with the logistics of, “Who’s going to drop the kids off at art class or soccer practice?” “What time is dinner?” “Did you move your car?”
Some people may go beyond logistics and ask, “How did you sleep?” “How are you feeling?” These are all good, useful questions, and couples who ask them usually do well.
But some couples add another type of question that I call a “competency check.” Over time, I’ve come to believe that this may be the most informative and thoughtful question to ask in the morning. It’s a question that shows emotional intelligence and builds stronger relationships.
What is “capacity check”?
Some couples put a number on it: “I’m about 60 years old today, where are you?” Some may ask, “Is today a light day or a heavy day?” or “How’s the tank doing?” I know partners who describe their day like the weather, or ask each other what season it is.
The wording is not very important. What is consistent and important is the underlying question. “How much money do I have available today? What should I expect from you?”
The ubiquitous “How are you?” asks people to summarize their entire inner state on the spot, which is really difficult. Most of us rely on “okay” not because we’re hiding something, but because it takes more time and headspace to formulate the real answer than it does at 7:40 a.m.
Checking your abilities is easy. And if the ritual is easy, it will stick. Most people know how much energy they have today, without really thinking about it, whether the gauge is reading 40 or 80. So your questions will get real answers right away, without digging too deeply into your emotions.
How this morning ritual helps curb conflict
When your partner tells you he’s 40, a lot of small decisions immediately start to weigh on you. Today is not the day to bring that up about their mothers. I should probably be in charge of dinner today. And if they don’t meet you at 6pm, you already know why.
If you don’t know what your partner is going through internally, you may mistakenly attribute their behavior to their personality, personality, or feelings for you. Their fatigue may be interpreted as distance. Or, interpret the curt reply as a criticism rather than a stress response.
You tell yourself a story about the situation, and suddenly a real conflict arises, during which you had only a terrible night’s sleep. I’ve met many couples who work through arguments that started exactly like this.
What this question shows about your partner
If your partner performs some version of a competency check on you every morning, notice what it requires.
It requires them to hold fast to the fact that their day is not your day. Since we woke up in the same house and seeing the same weather, it’s natural to think that we’ll start from the same place. But they understand that you are not.
The timing of the question is what makes it so effective. Most of us contact our partners to troubleshoot after the fact after we realize something is wrong.
A normal morning check-in with no signs of trouble is different. This is a sign of emotional intelligence and means that someone is gathering information about you with the intention of using it to make your day a little easier and a little better.
How an Emotionally Intelligent Partner Checks In
There are three things that separate a real check-in from a blank check-in.
Please go first. Before you ask someone for their number, color, or season, tell them your number, color, and season. That way, honesty becomes the default, rather than taking a risk, even before your partner has had coffee. Please accept the low answer at face value. 30 Don’t discuss the points, try to resolve them on the spot, or ask for justifications. The moment a low answer is treated as a problem to be solved, people stop being honest. Use what you hear. Please adjust the little things. They silently take over tasks, switch conversations, and lower their expectations. This last step is the crux of the question. This is because a check-in that no one operates is not a real check-in.
Dr. Mark Travers is a psychologist specializing in human relationships. He holds degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder. He is the lead psychologist at Awake Therapy, a telemedicine company that provides psychotherapy, counseling, and coaching online. He is also the curator of the popular mental health and wellness website Therapytips.org.
