No matter the situation, it’s nerve-wracking to say no. Your boss might drop off a project on your desk at 4:30 p.m. on a Friday. Or a co-worker asks you for a “little favor” that will definitely turn into a multi-month commitment. Or your family may encourage you to host a vacation for the third year in a row.
You may worry that if you say no, people will think you’re selfish, difficult, or not a team player. In fact, setting boundaries too hard or too often can make you appear stubborn and uncooperative, which is why the standard advice to “just say no” is woefully inadequate.
But agreeing on everything is also not a good solution. This leaves you with no time to work on important priorities and burnout.
As the author of Managing Up and an executive coach to top performers at Google, Amazon, and other Fortune 50 companies, I’ve seen firsthand how saying no, when done well, can strengthen trust and build trust. People who stand their ground skillfully demonstrate better judgment and often attract opportunities and build stronger relationships as a result.
So how can you set limits with warmth and respect?Here are three ways you can fight back without seeming difficult.
1. Tradeoff
When someone asks for something, don’t immediately say, “No, you can’t do that.” Instead, please answer what I need to adjust to make that happen. Since time is finite, adding something means subtracting something else.
While you track your commitments closely, others may not and may not realize that their commitments are piling up on an already full plate. A trade-off approach allows you to diplomatically highlight existing loads.
Plus, the conversations feel like collaborative problem-solving exercises. Also, letting others understand your point of view helps them maintain a sense of control and makes them more likely to follow your suggestions.
This may sound like this:
“I heard that X is important, so I’m temporarily slowing down Y to give us some space. Is that OK?” “What do you want me to postpone until next week so I can focus on this? I recommend punting Z.” “I’d like to host this year, but I’ll have to skip organizing the gift exchange to get it done. Is that reasonable?”
2. Conditional Yes
This technique is best suited for situations where there is a high level of urgency and the potential cost of saying no.
Please consider agreeing to this request, making it clear that this is an exception or one-time consideration. That way, you can earn the favor of helping someone in a time of need without setting a precedent of giving in to last-minute demands.
Better yet, suggest upstream fixes, such as clearer processes, earlier checkpoints, or policy changes, to make the scramble less likely to occur again.
This may sound like this:
“We can fix this by tomorrow, but we need at least 48 hours’ notice to make this work in the future.” “We’re almost done, so we’ll get to work right away. However, if we get any more requests, we’ll need to revise our plans.” “Let me talk to you briefly about X. I’ll write down the steps, so you can use them as a long-term reference and I won’t have to hold you back.”
3. Affirmative no
This approach was developed by William Urey, co-founder of the Harvard University Negotiation Program, and consists of three parts:
Affirm what you value (“I am committed to the success of my team”) State your limitations (“I cannot take on the entire project”) Offer alternatives (“This is what I can do”)
Choosing an affirmative “no” will give you the opportunity to provide a solution that suits you. It also draws people’s attention to what is possible, what is not possible, or what they might have to lose.
This may sound like this:
“I know this is a busy time for the team. We’re supposed to have a hard stop at 6pm, but you can come earlier on Monday and get this done.” “I understand it’s important for us to be involved in this project. You can’t attend weekly meetings, but you can come every other week and send written updates in between. How’s that going?” “I’d love to celebrate with you. I don’t have a weekend getaway right now, but I’ll definitely make it in time for dinner.”
Melody Wilding, LMSW, is an executive coach, professor of human behavior, and author of Managing Up: How to Get What You Need from the People in Charge. Get her free training “5 Steps to Speak Like a Senior Leader” here.
