Tonight, cameras will capture handshakes, smiles and perhaps a joint statement when President Donald Trump and President Xi Jinping greet each other at Joint Base Andrews ahead of their summit.
What they don’t capture is the weeks of preparation that made that handshake possible, the small but impactful choices made long before anyone entered the room.
I have taught negotiation and behavioral economics at Harvard Business School for over 10 years. You don’t have to be a head of state to deal with high-stakes meetings. The same principles apply whether it’s a tense performance review, a make-or-break client pitch, or a family conversation about money.
The secret is all in the preparation. Specifically, there are two types.
Direct a room like a director blocking scenes
Long before Xi’s plane landed, someone would have decided where the two leaders would meet, who would host it, and how the room would be arranged.
Research on negotiation has shown that there is indeed a “home field advantage.” When people negotiate in their own spaces, they often perform better than visitors. One reason for this is that familiar turf breeds confidence.
Yet, most of us give little thought to the physical structure of our own high-stakes meetings. Where to sit, whether there is a table in between, round or square, etc.
Think of it the same way a director thinks about blocking scenes. Choreography shapes what people want to say.
Stop preparing formal talking points and try this instead
My best advice when you’re preparing for an important meeting is to focus less on what you say and more on what you ask. Instead of preparing talking points, prepare a learning agenda, a small list of things you want to hear from the other person.
We want to know four important things:
What has changed for them since you last spoke? What pressures are they under? What does a good outcome look like from their side? What is important to them and what is not?
This unlocks more than it seems at first glance, for several reasons. Of course, the obvious advantage is that questions elicit information and information is king. But if you’re like me and tend to be nervous, having these questions prepared will help you put your anxious energy to good use somewhere.
In a competitive, high-stakes environment, everything you say can be used against you, and asking a well-timed question is a much safer way to expend your energy than a careless rebuttal. Yes, I speak from experience here.
And there’s probably the most underrated aspect of this preparation. Decades of research on self-disclosure and trust shows that asking questions makes others like and trust you, which in turn encourages them to reveal more, creating a virtuous cycle.
Learning tasks should not be all or even mostly business. The best agendas include some non-serious questions and maybe even some jokes.
If you prepare for this, something magical will happen. You are free to just listen. Being present, following up on what you’re hearing, and responding like a real person instead of reciting a script. Paradoxically, the more you prepare, the more natural it becomes.
None of these guarantee a positive outcome in that moment or the next difficult conversation. But what separates those who succeed from those who struggle in a room like this is often the preparation that no one is looking at, which improves the odds.
Leslie John is the author of Revealing: The Underrated Power of Oversharing and the James E. Burke Professor of Management and Unit Head of the Bargaining Organizations and Markets Unit at Harvard Business School.
