Couples tend to go off track when they argue.
You might start talking about things that are real and concrete. Maybe it’s a plan that changed without checking in, or an impulse purchase that should have been discussed. Then suddenly you stopped talking about it and started talking about each other.
“Why are you overreacting?” “You always do that.” “I can’t do it right now.”
One moment you’re trying to solve a problem together, and the next you’re each trying to prove that you’re the more rational person in the room. And once you get into an argument about it, you can’t really resolve it. Because now the battlefield and ammunition are limitless.
As a psychologist who studies couples, I know that, thankfully, there are habits that serve as guardrails against disagreements. I call this a partial concession, and it prevents this common detour.
What is “partial interest”?
A partial concession is a type of phrase used when you concede a particular part of an argument that you are truly responsible for at that moment, without giving up the rest of your position. It usually sounds very mundane.
“Yes, that part is on me.” “Of course, I forgot to tell you.” “I shouldn’t have made that decision without talking to you first.”
That doesn’t mean I agree that I was wrong about everything. But before your partner pries it from you, you’re actually admitting your fault.
In my experience, nothing quells conflict that quickly.
Why does “partial yield” work so quickly?
When your partner disagrees with you, some of them position themselves to preemptively try to convince you. That’s why the voices get louder and the examples pile up. They’re not trying to hurt you. They want you to believe, but assume it’s difficult.
Partial surrender releases pent-up steam that could otherwise facilitate escalation. The effects are immediately obvious and rarely feel like a defeat on either side. Your partner can get the approval they were looking for, and you can be honest about your role without agreeing with the rest.
It’s also easier on you than a full apology, and it’s more important than you think. Most of us do not withhold small confessions because we believe we did nothing wrong. We withhold them because admitting one thing feels like admitting all the rest, and it’s better to admit nothing than to admit everything.
What happens if you skip this step?
I’d like to focus on what happens when you don’t use the partial concession phrase.
If we don’t take responsibility now, the problem won’t go away easily. Your partner will notice and file it away. They might bring it up again three weeks from now during an unrelated discussion. It may look like scorekeeping, but often it’s just old complaints that were never heard or owned, and you finally find a breakthrough.
Couples who routinely make small concessions don’t accumulate much of that “back pocket” inventory, so there’s nothing readily available. Their arguments tend to stay loosely within the context of what caused them.
How to effectively utilize “partial yield”
Several steps distinguish between genuine and false partial yields.
Please be specific about what you are claiming. It’s effective to say, “Yeah, I shouldn’t have said that in front of your mom.” It reads as surrender under a vague “Okay, okay, I was wrong!” protest, and your partner will hear it that way. Don’t add “but”. If you say, “As you said, that part is my responsibility, but you also…” everything is cancelled. If you have a counterpoint, it lasts for the next 90 seconds. First of all, please let us take ownership of our interests, and please do so as soon as possible. Yield loses most of its power when someone starts listing already old grievances. The ideal moment is when we first realize that we are technically wrong about something small, and it usually happens much earlier than we would like to admit. Even if you’re mostly right, say it. Especially at that time. The most common reason people give for not conceding anything is that they are mostly right.
In my experience, true partial yield is the difference between couples who discuss and resolve issues and couples who get stuck arguing over each other.
Dr. Mark Travers is a psychologist specializing in human relationships. He holds degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder. He is the lead psychologist at Awake Therapy, a telemedicine company that provides psychotherapy, counseling, and coaching online. He is also the curator of the popular mental health and wellness website Therapytips.org.
