My parents and I had an awkward conversation recently.
I’m getting married next year, and it looks like it’s going to be quite a hassle. Both of my parents sent me an extensive guest list, so my fiancé and I do our best to keep the total number of people under 250.
Things quickly became expensive. And while traditionally the bride’s family takes greater financial responsibility for this kind of thing, there is no bride at our wedding. So even though my fiancé and I are diligently saving money to have the wedding we wanted, we still asked our parents to contribute.
My parents love the partner I have chosen and are supportive of our engagement. However, this did not make me feel any less anxious approaching the conversation. Christina Wing, a professor at Harvard Business School and author of “Unspeakable: The Taboo Topics We Both and How to Talk About Them,” says that when she was growing up, talking about money was considered rude and all too common in my family.
“We are taught from a young age that money is a taboo topic and that it is rude to discuss it with others,” she writes in the book.
why?
“Money always has strings attached and so many people use it as a weapon that people don’t want to talk about it anymore,” Wing told CNBC Make It. “People who have a lot of money are afraid of being criticized for the decisions they make. People who don’t have money don’t want others to know that they don’t have money because their self-worth is tied up in money.”
As a result, she says, people often avoid these conversations altogether. But the consequences of this avoidance are often emotional and material, she says.
“The price of silence is that decisions are made without people’s input or knowledge,” she said, adding that in the case of financial decisions, the costs can be meaningful. “Just because we don’t talk about these things doesn’t make them go away.”
The importance of having tough conversations about money
It’s not hard to understand that avoiding financial conversations can lead to emotional or financial turmoil. Mr. Wing cites a number of possible examples.
If you don’t discuss estate planning, your parents may pass away without you knowing their wishes. Remaining silent about inheritance issues could result in one sibling inheriting the family business instead of the other. Not having financial expectations for college and expecting your child to win a scholarship may result in your child being disappointed if he or she attends a school that the family cannot afford.
The list goes on.
Avoiding such a scenario will likely require difficult financial conversations, Wing says. That conversation can be made easier by focusing on one important thing. “You need to identify common goals with that person,” she says.
By identifying common objectives at the beginning of the conversation, you can avoid many of the stigmas and fears that arise when talking about money, Wing says.
One of your goals is to make sure your aging parents are comfortable, especially if they become incapacitated or require long-term care. Even if your parents are furious about money, Wing says, “I don’t need to know what you and your mom have. I don’t need to know if I’m getting anything. But I do need to know what my responsibility will be if something happens to you.”
To use a low-stakes example, imagine a scenario where you and your friends seem to have different budgets for an outing or group trip. If people hesitate or don’t attend these gatherings because they don’t have the money, Wing says, it’s likely to cause resentment if the financial aspects are left unaddressed. Therefore, let’s talk openly about common goals.
Wing suggests possible scripts.
“I love spending time with you, and I love how you choose your restaurant, and you should do that sometimes. But I’d like you to come see the new Spider-Man movie, and I’ll make you some pizza. Or let’s go for a walk. My purpose is to see you, but I can’t keep spending this much money.”
After all, that was the attitude I received more or less towards my parents. I told them how much I thought it would cost in total and explained that it was important to me that everyone involved attended and that this was as much a celebration of them and our family as it was my marriage. I almost threw up, but they said the numbers I quoted made sense.
Wouldn’t it have been easier if your family had talked freely about money from an early age? of course. But better late than never, Wing says. And it’s definitely better than just starting planning a wedding with the assumption that your parents will be supportive.
