I have spent seven years researching the culture of achievement and interviewing hundreds of high-achieving children and their families. One of the recurring questions for parents and teens is how much the high-stakes world of college admissions impacts their relationships.
It’s easy to understand the temptation for parents to micromanage every detail in a competitive, expensive, and uncertain process. However, this can often lead to quarrels and resentment.
Having observed the strain the college admissions arms race puts on family life, I have some non-negotiable parenting rules. I don’t talk to my three teenage children about my plans after high school until the spring of their junior year.
Establish clear boundaries to protect relationships
As the spring of third grade approaches, college conversations are limited to one hour each weekend at a time of the child’s choosing, usually on a Sunday afternoon. These boundaries keep the topic contained and our relationship from being swallowed up by the topic.
That one guardrail was transformative. The constant stream of “Did you finish taking that supplement? Did you ask your doctor for a recommendation?” stops the anxious parent’s drip. — to prevent it from seeping into every car ride and family dinner.
Instead, my husband and I collect the questions, save them for Sunday, and spend the rest of the week thinking about all the other things teens are thinking about.
We want to protect this time and provide space for their interests, curiosities, and developing interests that are always unfiltered through the lens of what college admissions officers are looking for.
Of course, my kids know they can always talk to us. But we are doing everything we can to alleviate the immense pressure they may already be feeling by silencing anxious questions about parenting.
Risks of excessive pressure
A growing body of research has found that students from “high-performing schools” (high test scores, diverse extracurricular activities, and graduates who go on to top universities) now have higher rates of anxiety, depression, and substance use compared to national norms.
The National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine has classified young people who attend these high-performing schools as an “at-risk group” along with children living in poverty, foster care, or incarcerated parents.
The Robert Wood Johnson Foundation reached a similar conclusion, identifying “excessive pressure to excel” as one of the greatest environmental threats to youth health, second only to poverty and trauma.
It may seem counterintuitive to place children who attend high-resource, high-pressure schools in the same category as our nation’s most vulnerable youth. However, the data shows that both groups experience chronic, constant stress that can impair their mental and physical health.
Showing children that they are valued for who they are, not what they have accomplished.
‘Mattering’ – the deep human need to feel valued and add value – is a powerful safeguard for young people’s mental health.
Young people learn that they matter through the messages they receive at home. One of the most effective ways to do this is to visualize your unconditional value.
One mother I interviewed shared a metaphor she used to demonstrate this. She held out a $20 bill and asked the child how much it was worth. Then she wrinkled it, stepped on it, and soaked it in a glass of water. “Well, how much is that?” she asked. Of course, the answer was the same.
Just like that $20 bill, kids don’t become less valuable if they fail a test, get cut from the team, or aren’t invited to a party. Our job is to remind them that their value will never change no matter what.
Make your home a place where you can escape from pressure
Because so much of parenting is spent juggling endless to-do lists, our children don’t necessarily understand the joys we have as parents. Just like you would with your family dog, try greeting your dog once a day with genuine joy.
Even small, consistent reminders that our love is not conditional can change the entire atmosphere of a home. They tell our children that their worth is not tied to their grades.
In our family, this was the inspiration for the “one hour a week” rule. It was a way to put important research into practice. This is a reminder that home should be the only place you don’t have to prove your worth.
Children are free to pursue goals that are actually meaningful to them, even when they are not performing in a way that earns our approval.
So this year, as my daughter navigates her own schooling process, I’m sticking to my Sunday rule. Because the relationships I build with my kids are far more important than any acceptance letter.
Jennifer Breheny Wallace is an award-winning journalist and author of the New York Times bestseller Never Enough: When Achievement Culture becomes Toxic — and What We Can Do About It. She lives in New York City with her husband and three teenagers. You can follow her on Instagram @jenniferbrehenywallace.
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