Saying “no” is important when raising children. But setting limits shouldn’t start and end with that one word.
As a Certified Child Life Specialist and Certified Therapist, I know that saying “no” means making children feel safe, supported, and understood. I often help children understand that parents aren’t saying no to control you; they’re saying no to support you.
Boundaries foster trust and cooperation over time. When we say “no” calmly, consistently, and carefully, we are setting boundaries. But we also teach emotional regulation, self-control, and connection. These are important skills that our children inherit beyond childhood.
Here’s how to say no in a way that builds connection rather than confrontation.
Turn “no” into a teachable moment
Think of a curious one-year-old who puts sand in his mouth, pulls a dog’s tail, or stands on a chair. If you just say “no” or “stop” without explaining, they may end up feeling confused, embarrassed, or doubtful.
Instead, you might say “don’t tell,” “gentle hands,” or “sit.” It’s still a boundary, but teach and guide them in a way they can learn and understand.
If your child doesn’t adhere to limits, firmer boundaries may be needed. But these will help you understand what to do, not just what not to do. for example:
“No helmets or bikes.” “It’s dangerous to ride without a helmet, so I’ll put the bike away for now.” “If you put on a helmet, you can ride a bike right away.”
Explain “why”
Children crave reasoning to make sense of things. Restrictions are most effective when children understand them.
With two young children, I always set and guide safety and kindness limits. This will help you stay aware of when and why you say “no” in the first place, and whether certain limits are negotiable.
Recently my 5 year old asked for emotional support while I was driving. I said, “We can’t hold hands while driving because it’s dangerous, but we can hug you as soon as we get home.” It was still a no, but I prioritized connectivity and safety.
Children are more likely to accept the restriction if they understand the reason, even if they don’t like it. This helps you learn to put things into perspective. When it comes to screens, helmets, etc., that might mean explaining, “Each family has different rules, and these are ours.”
Provide control through choices
When children hear the word “no,” they immediately feel like their autonomy and control have been taken away. It often occurs when children are exploring their world and trying to establish their own identity.
Combine restrictions and choices. It might sound like this:
“Going to the park isn’t an option right now. You can choose to play in the backyard or play in the basement.” “Choose one more thing you want to do and then it’s time to leave.”
If your child is having trouble making a decision, you can always ask them, “You can choose, or I can choose for you.”
Children will feel empowered by having choices within the boundaries you clearly set.
stay consistent
Toddlers push their limits every day. And it doesn’t stop even after childhood. It is a sign of healthy development and looks different depending on age and stage.
This way, children learn what is safe and where the boundaries are. Children try harder when limits change easily. When limits are consistent, they will trust and expect them.
Our job as parents is to communicate consistently, calmly, and clearly, even when our children fuss or fight back. It teaches children that their world is safe and predictable, even when it’s chaotic, and it shows them unwavering support in the face of hardship.
Repair if it responds
Sometimes we shout “No!” We instinctively react in moments of stress or fear, such as when a child is running toward the street.
It’s natural to react in this way, but a follow-up explanation, and in some cases an apology, is essential. Recently, when my daughter pulled on a necklace that had already been broken twice, I added: “I’m afraid it will break. It’s special to me and it will cost money to fix it.” She said, “I’m sorry, Mom. It was an accident. I won’t do it again.”
Repairing and explaining after an emotional “no” can teach children about responsibility and empathy in relationships and show remorse and correction.
Please stay strong even as you get older.
As children grow and develop, boundaries may look and sound different, but the underlying message is the same.
If you say “no” to going to the park after school, it might sound like, “I hear you, but that’s not an option today. I already have plans.” Similarly, when you end an activity, you say, “It’s all over,” or “It’s time to go home.” You can also stay firm and validate the other person’s feelings by saying, “It’s okay to be upset, but it doesn’t change your plans. I’m here with you.”
These honest conversations about boundaries teach children that boundaries and connections can coexist. This is a useful lesson at every stage of life.
Kelsey Mora is a Certified Child Life Specialist and Certified Clinical Professional Counselor who provides customized support, guidance, and resources to parents, families, and communities affected by medical conditions, trauma, grief, and the stresses of everyday life. She is a private practice owner, mother of two, creator and author of The Method Workbooks, and chief clinical officer of the nonprofit Pickles Group.
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