As a mother, researcher, and writer, I’ve been studying the science of happiness for over a decade.
Along the way, I’ve collected what I call my “secrets to growing up.” This is a lesson learned over time and experience on how to create a happier, more meaningful life. Many of these insights come back to one of the most important roles we play: raising happy, well-adjusted children.
Here are 12 simple and practical parenting rules that I always follow.
1. Know when to quit
If you have big plans for the day and your child isn’t cooperating, be willing to adjust the activity to fit your child’s needs at the time.
Sometimes you have to say to yourself, “This should be fun.” There’s no point in going to the zoo if my daughter throws tantrums one after another.
2. Stay stable
When I interviewed parenting expert Aliza Pressman on my podcast, Happier, I talked about the fact that by trying to stay calm ourselves, we help our children stay calm.
Children don’t want the pressure of having their parent’s mood or outlook dictated by their actions. They want to rely on the stable support of their parents.
3. Say a warm greeting and farewell
This small act increases the atmosphere of kindness and care in the home and makes a big difference for children.
Greet and farewell with genuine consideration and warmth, including a hug or some physical contact if possible. I want my children (and husband) to know that I am as happy to see them as the dogs are.
4. Find a small way to celebrate.
Silly pranks on April Fool’s Day and “holiday breakfasts” on Valentine’s Day and St. Patrick’s Day are a source of great happiness. It’s quick, fun, and will make your day special and memorable.
5. Only say no when it really matters.
Are you wearing a bright red shirt and bright orange shorts? of course. Do you sleep with your head at the foot of your bed? Are you okay. Samuel Johnson said, “All severity is in vain which does not tend to promote good or prevent evil.”
6. Vary your approach to suit your child’s personality
For example, determine whether your child is an obligor, a questioner, a supporter, or a rebel, and adapt your parenting style to suit that particular child. Learn more about my “Four Tendencies” personality framework here. If you need suggestions on how to apply frameworks as a parent, see here. For example, if you want your child to practice piano, you will take completely different approaches depending on the child’s inclinations.
7. Find humor in situations whenever possible
This includes being willing to laugh at yourself. The secret to adulthood is to tell yourself that failures are often the best memories.
When I saw my daughter scatter all the pots and pans on the kitchen floor, instead of screaming, I laughed and told myself that someday this mess would be a very funny memory.
8. Be quick to point out your child’s strengths and talents.
“You are very resourceful,” “You have a very original imagination,” “I wish you had the ability to remember names and faces.” For both children and adults, finding your strengths can be difficult. Parents can help their children recognize their areas of excellence.
9. Recognize the emotional reality of children
You might be tempted to say, “He was just kidding. It’s no big deal,” “If you concentrate, you won’t have a hard time remembering your multiplication tables,” or “I’m not afraid of clowns.” We may think we’re encouraging, but in reality, when we deny our children’s feelings, they end up feeling irritated and ignored.
It’s more effective to respond with empathy, such as “Last time we went to the circus, you thought clowns were really funny, but now they look scary,” or “Those words really hurt your feelings,” or “Memorizing multiplication tables is hard.”
10. Don’t do interviews because of pain.
I recently discussed this principle on the podcast Laughlines with Kim and Penn Holderness. When talking to children, we sometimes ask questions that encourage them to focus on the negative aspects of their day. “Was that class still boring?” “Did that kid be mean to you again?” When a child wants to talk about difficult topics, we want to respond with compassion, but we don’t want to encourage them to focus on the worst parts of their experience.
11. Make your daily work more convenient
What may be a simple task for an adult can be frustrating or difficult for a child. To make things easier, use hooks instead of hangers, store useful items on low shelves, and keep lightweight step stools next to the kitchen counter and in the bathroom.
12. Remember, the days are long but the years are short
When your child is irritating you, try to remain calm and remember that this stage will soon recede into the past. It’s easier to stay calm and in a good mood when you remember how fleeting your childhood was. One of the best ways to make your children happy is to be happy yourself.
Gretchen Rubin is one of today’s most influential observers of happiness and human nature. She is the author of many books, including the bestseller “The Happiness Project.” Her books have sold more than 3.5 million copies worldwide in more than 30 languages. She is the host of the award-winning podcast Happier with Gretchen Rubin, where she explores practical solutions to living a happier life. Her new book “Secrets of Adulthood” is now available.
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