My friend has had some questionable lovers.
Some partners are abusive, others are selfish and antisocial. Even if you feel like you need to speak up, you don’t know if you should.
Gloria Morrow, a clinical psychologist and associate professor of psychology at the Chicago School, helped patients navigate the conundrum of whether to tell a friend that they hate their partner.
“I always ask them, ‘Why do you want to say something?'” she says. There are usually different motives.
Depending on your situation, here are Morrow’s recommended actions:
Speak up if there is clear and imminent danger
In some cases, there may be obvious signs that your friend’s lover is physically abusive or managing or dealing with issues such as substance abuse. In that case, Morrow says, it’s better to speak up.
Remember that your friend probably cares about your partner and may be protective of them. When having such conversations, “focus on the person’s behavior, not their personality,” she says.
Morrow says you notice “some signs that you may be in trouble,” such as visible bruising.
It’s important to be supportive, not critical. Morrow suggests saying, “I want you to know that I’m here for you. I’m here to help you. Whatever you need, I’m here to support you.”
“I always want to be a safe place for my friends, not a judge,” she says.
After talking with your friend, follow up by sending them resources about the type of behavior you’re concerned about.
How you respond when you see signs of disrespect depends on the situation
If you spend enough time together, you might notice that your friend’s partner is acting suspiciously.
Maybe it’s in denial and it might seem like you’re “putting your friend down,” Morrow says. They may spend a little too much time talking about your friend’s looks and clothes.
In that case, it’s up to you whether to call out or not. If you decide to speak up, remember again that you should always focus on your friend’s well-being.
Morrow says it’s a good idea to put your friend aside and say:
In some cases, the situation can be even more complicated. Let’s say you’re out and you see your friend’s boyfriend with someone else. It’s possible that they’re dating, but it’s also possible that they’re not.
If you observe something that might cause you to worry, you may want to tell your friend that you saw your partner out and that you are a little confused by their behavior. But don’t get into details yet, Morrow says.
First, ask your friend if they would like to hear more. That way the ball is in their court.
If you simply don’t like your friend’s boyfriend or girlfriend, keep it to yourself
In some cases, Morrow advises that if you “just don’t like their vibe,” it’s best to leave them alone.
Maybe your friend’s partner has an annoying personality or their politics are different from yours. Maybe you think your friend could do better. Whatever your reason for not acknowledging your partner, if it has nothing to do with your friend’s well-being, there’s no reason to bring it up.
“It’s something you have to keep to yourself,” Morrow says. “Because your friend is clearly happy with this person.”
No matter the scenario, Morrow says you always need to consider the risks.
“Talking about who your friends are dating or hanging out with can damage friendships,” she says.
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