We’ve all been there: It’s morning, the clock is ticking, and your child decides not to get dressed that day. I need to get out the door. But the bigger goal is to get everyone out the door without screaming or crying. That’s where teamwork comes into play.
You and your partner may have different approaches. For example, you might be inclined to choose, “Okay, do you want to get dressed now or after breakfast? That’s up to you.” Your partner, on the other hand, might be more playful and say, “Hmm, can’t you see this outfit? Or is the shirt hiding it? Let’s find it!”
As a parenting coach and author of Transforming Early Childhood, I’ve found that parents don’t have to approach things in exactly the same way when they’re aligned toward a big goal. Different strategies can reach the same destination. But what if you both have completely different parenting styles?
At that point, resentment and frustration can creep in, with the temptation to focus on being right rather than working together. The key is to shift the focus from “right” to “match.” You want to start a dialogue and find common ground without making your partner uncomfortable. Here’s how:
1. Be curious and make connections
Start by trying to understand, not convince. Approach your partner’s perspective with genuine curiosity. Ask thoughtful questions:
“Where did you learn this method?” “What is your goal here?” “How does using this approach make you feel?” “How does this approach affect your family?”
When you stop and listen without judging or interjecting your thoughts and feelings, you create a safe space for your partner to share. This reduces defensiveness and paves the way for a productive conversation. Don’t get caught up in criticism that only adds fuel to the fire.
2. Talk about facts
Once you’ve listened and your partner feels heard, you can discreetly share your perspective.
Please ask for permission. Before diving into your thoughts, encourage a conversation by asking, “Can I tell you something I thought about the other day?” Stick to the facts. Share information instead of focusing on opinions. “I listened to a podcast where they talked about this and it was interesting…”
Facts change the conversation from “my way vs. your way” to “something worth considering.” It also reduces the pressure on your partner to agree right away, giving you more room to reflect. If your partner is more open, you can try saying, “I was trying to do (X) and here’s what I noticed.”
3. Get curious again
Once you’ve shared your perspective, turn the conversation back to your partner. Ask follow-up questions to continue the conversation.
“What do you think about this?” “Have you heard about it?” “Can I try it?”
We are often more open to new ideas when we feel respected and accepted. When someone feels lectured or criticized, walls go up and the conversation stagnates.
Focusing and discussing each other’s ideas can foster better partnership and reduce resistance.
4. Model the behavior
After all, you can’t control your parenting partner. The most powerful way to influence your co-parent is to model the behaviors and approaches you believe in.
Demonstrate your philosophy through your actions. Let your partner see the positive results of your methods in real time. For example, if you want to focus on positive discipline, ask your partner to see it in action.
If they notice that your approach calms tantrums or creates connections, they’ll likely become curious. “What’s going so well?”
When your co-parent notices progress, such as changes becoming gentler, fewer power struggles, or children becoming more connected, they may wonder what’s going well and naturally want to get involved. Focus on controlling what you can: your thoughts, words, and actions.
Devon Kunzman, PCC, is a parenting coach and founder of Transforming Toddlerhood. She is also the author of “Transforming Early Childhood: How to Deal with Temper tantrums, End Power Struggles, and Raise Resilient Kids Without Losing Your Heart.”
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