We are inundated with relationship advice that barely captures the complexities of what actually makes a relationship work.
As a couples counselor with 10 years of experience working with couples and individuals trying to find and maintain love, I have found that one of the most underrated signs of a healthy, resilient relationship is a concept called “mutual influence.”
A word coined by a married psychologist, Dr. By John and Julie Gottman Mutual influence means being willing to let your partner’s needs, vulnerabilities, and perspectives shape you and even change something about your own behavior.
This quality is usually focused only in moments of tension or disagreement, and not in moments of easy harmony. At the beginning of a relationship, everyone is usually on their best behavior, so it can be difficult to find this precious green light early on.
Here’s how to identify and develop it in your own relationships.
What is mutual influence?
In a 2020 study, psychologists followed nearly 320 couples and found that when each partner felt that their voice truly mattered and that they could have a real impact on the other person, relationship quality remained high and emotional security deepened over the years.
Couples who ignored this dynamic became stagnant and began to feel more anxious as their relationship satisfaction decreased.
Psychologists have found that when both partners experience mutual influence, the relationship not only feels more fair, but actually becomes more stable and loving. Individuals report feeling less anxious about their partner’s involvement and are less likely to have small conflicts snowball into chronic impasses.
The actual mutual influence would be:
When your partner says, “I want to hear from you right now,” put your phone aside. Taking a different route on a road trip because your partner is worried about traffic, even if you think you’re faster. Your traditions were different, but after hearing how much this year’s holiday meant to your family, you decided to spend it with your family this year. You choose to pause your personal projects for the evening because your partner asks for your help in completing his project. If the other person says they have a headache, turn off the lights. Be open to feedback about how you speak during disagreements and choose to change your tone or words. This is not because you have to, but because you want the other person to feel safer and closer to you.
Mutual influence does not mean giving up one’s identity in a relationship or shelving what is needed to maintain peace. True openness means maintaining your own values while leaving room for your partner’s experiences, especially when you two don’t see eye to eye. You are building a communal life where both voices matter.
How to develop mutual influence in your relationship
Each week, consciously create one accommodation that you know is important to them. This could be your custom, or it could be leaving room for their preferences. This lets your partner know that they can hear you.
So, try out your restaurant selections, follow the suggested route, and adjust your thermostat to the ideal temperature. Having flexibility in low-risk moments makes it much easier to access that quality in high-risk moments.
During a conflict, I also love to ask the question, “What am I missing to make this more meaningful?” This is an anxiety-relieving question because it shows you’re not fighting to be right, but to better understand what’s going on in your partner’s head.
These are small gestures that may seem insignificant from the outside, but over time they create a feeling of being considered, included, and influential, which is the condition for true intimacy to take root. That’s what separates couples who simply coexist from those who continue to be intimate.
Baya Voce is a relationship expert who helps couples get back together after conflict. She holds a master’s degree from Columbia University. She regularly speaks at SXSW, and her TEDx talk on loneliness has been viewed more than 5 million times.
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