According to child psychologist Becky Kennedy, no parent is perfect — and that’s for the best.
When parents make mistakes and work to correct those mistakes, they teach their children important lessons about maturity and bonding, Kennedy said on comedian Trevor Noah’s “What Now?” Podcast for the December 4th episode. These lessons will help children maintain happy and healthy relationships in the future, she said.
“You learn the most in relationships when people take responsibility for their actions, when they make repairs,” said Kennedy, a Columbia University-trained child psychologist, host of the parenting podcast The Good Inside, and mother of three herself. “I don’t want to take that opportunity away from my kids. It’s a very (important) part of a healthy relationship.”
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Kennedy said repairing mistakes and rifts is the best way to get closer to someone, calling it the “ultimate relationship strategy.” In parenting, Kennedy said such repairs can strengthen the bond between parent and child and give the child an example of how to admit when they’re wrong. You can teach your children that it’s natural to make mistakes and that how you respond to them is important.
Other parenting experts broadly agree that parents should model for their children how to recover from mistakes by apologizing and moving on. Learning that mistakes are inevitable, rather than a sign of some inherent flaw, can help children avoid the stress of perfectionism, says developmental psychologist Aliza Pressman. Perfectionism can lead to long-term mental health problems such as anxiety and low self-esteem.
“If our kids didn’t see[our mistakes]they wouldn’t have much hope that they could make mistakes and grow up and still be loved and valued,” Pressman said on the Mel Robbins Podcast on July 28.
“All parents do that.”
Kennedy said she was far from a perfect parent, admitting to Noah that there were “countless times” when her children had thrown tantrums, and that all the lessons she had taught her about leading with empathy had gone to waste.
“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I honestly feel that there is no other mother to my children like Dr. Becky,” she said. She recalled that one of her children complained about what she made for dinner and she threw a tantrum and yelled at the child. Of course, you shouldn’t do that, but if you do, don’t be paralyzed by shame or guilt for losing your cool, she pointed out.
“All parents do that,” Kennedy said. “There’s not a single parent who hasn’t been in that situation.”
As for why you need to own up to your actions, Kennedy said, “Think about what happens to a child when the person they rely on for safety becomes the person who frightens them.” It’s a “very frenetic experience” and can be overwhelming for a child trying to cope with the mix of “self-doubt and self-blame.”
Instead of blaming your child for getting angry and yelling, say something like, “I’m sorry for yelling at you” (President Kennedy). “And that line is really important: ‘It’s never your fault that I scream. Even though I’m frustrated, I try to be more calm. I love you.'”
Kennedy added that an apology is just the first step for parents who are prone to angry outbursts. If so, she recommended taking the time to identify the source of your irritation and working on regaining yourself before you lose your cool. That way, you can take deep breaths to calm yourself down instead of screaming, she said.
“You can’t help a child unless you’re doing some internal work,” Kennedy said.
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