Have you ever found yourself worrying about what’s going to happen next or having an awkward conversation for the 10th time? You’re not alone. But you’re not helping yourself either.
As a therapist for nearly 25 years and author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, I’ve found that there is one consistent habit that sets mentally strong people apart. That means they never waste their energy on things they can’t control.
Choosing to only worry about things you can control seems easy on the surface. It’s hard to actually commit to it.
But by making some practical changes, you can start directing your mental energy to what really matters, feel more effective, and increase your mental strength.
Breaking out of the anxiety control loop
Whether it’s repeatedly refreshing your inbox while waiting for an important message, or focusing on what others will do next, worrying about things you can’t control is a trap. It feels productive, but it backfires.
Attempting to control your environment provides temporary relief from the anxiety that comes with uncertainty. But over time, you can no longer control all the outcomes, and your anxiety grows even more.
Rumination also uses up your cognitive bandwidth. The more you try to control what’s around you, the less energy and time you have to control what’s inside you, including your emotional state. Performance may be degraded and productivity may be reduced.
Begin to notice where your energy is going
You may spend a lot of time wishing things were different, or you may spend hours researching all possible outcomes without preparing for the best. It’s easy to get so caught up in worrying about things you can’t control that you stop noticing when it’s happening.
Perform a simple audit to see where your energy is being spent. First, draw three concentric circles on the page.
What you can control (inner circle): This includes your effort, preparation, attitude, boundaries, and skills. Things you can influence (middle circle): This circle is for things you have some control over, but not completely, such as the atmosphere of the meeting or how others perceive you. Things you can’t control (outer circle): This includes other people’s choices, company policies, economics, and the end result.
Think about your top five worries right now and place each one in the appropriate circle. For each Inner Circle item, commit to taking one action today to address it. For items that land in the outer circle, promise to leave them alone so you can focus all your energy where it matters.
Ask yourself 3 simple questions to quickly refocus
When you come across a challenge that’s taking up a lot of your time, use the following questions to focus on what’s within your control.
1. “Do I keep thinking about the problem or working on the solution?”
If you’re thinking about the worst-case scenario or the unfairness of the situation, you’re only thinking about the problem.
Let’s move on to thinking about solutions. Ask yourself: What actions can I take to increase my chances of success? Instead of debating and ruminating about whether things will work out, put your energy into preparation.
2. “Do I need to change my situation or how I feel about my situation?”
Sometimes it’s important to deal with the situation by setting boundaries, changing habits, or adjusting plans.
Making the most of your energy can also mean dealing with the pain you feel about situations you can’t change. In that case, you can take a short walk, focus on your breathing, or reframe the situation so that your next decision isn’t driven by anxiety.
Much of life’s suffering comes from putting energy in the wrong places. Meditation won’t solve your financial problems if you have a pile of banknotes in front of you. You need to focus your energy on making a plan to pay them.
But if you’re feeling anxious while waiting for test results for a family member’s health problem, endless research won’t change the outcome. Meditation may help ease your anxiety while you wait.
3. “What did I do today to become mentally stronger?”
You can’t always control the outcome, but you can control whether you grow as a person. As a therapist, you can’t control whether your client gets better, but you can control whether you hone your skills, prepare well, and show up.
What is one thing you did today that aligned with your spiritual strength? Maybe you held boundaries, practiced a skill, or spoke up during a difficult time.
Measuring your day by the effort you put into getting stronger helps you stay focused on what you can control and prevents mental fatigue.
Amy Morin is a psychotherapist, clinical social worker, and lecturer at Northeastern University. She is the author of several books, including “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do.” Her TEDx talk, “The Secret to Being Mentally Strong,” is one of the most viewed talks of all time. Follow her on Instagram and LinkedIn.
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