If you’re currently raising teenagers, every parenting decision can feel like a huge risk.
Parents are bombarded with worrying headlines about young people’s mental health, including increased anxiety, loneliness and depression. Social media, smartphones, and academic pressure are often cited as culprits. Every week seems to bring a new explanation as to why teens are struggling.
The message that many parents absorb is simple. “Don’t make the situation worse.”
After hearing that story so often, many parents begin to worry that one wrong step could make the situation even worse. I try not to push myself too hard or enforce too many rules for fear of adding to my child’s stress.
But in the process, something important may be lost. Today’s parenting culture has made many parents secretly afraid of asserting their authority.
We see this tension every day. As clinical psychologists who have worked with parents and adolescents for decades, and as teen parents ourselves, we have a front-row seat to how anxious many parents are about asserting authority as part of their job.
What teens are actually looking for from their parents now more than ever
One of the most stabilizing forces in a teenager’s life is knowing that the systems around them have structure and are held in place by competent adults.
When parents provide that structure, teens feel what psychologists sometimes call “containment,” a sense that big emotions and troubling moments are trapped inside something stable and dependable. Without it, all that intensity can start to feel raw. It’s like an egg without a protective shell.
This is important because adolescence is a time when emotions grow before self-control fully catches up. Teens feel things intensely and react quickly. They place great value on friendship, belonging, status, and independence.
This means that big emotions are part of adolescence. Teens are supposed to push boundaries and argue the rules. They may slam the door or act like your boundaries are the most unreasonable thing that has ever happened to them.
Big emotions often lead to big actions. A parent’s job is to maintain stability in their child’s mind. Here are some ways you can see it in real life.
Please calm down. This means remembering that I’m an adult here. Your teen years may be turbulent, but they don’t have to be. Sometimes it helps to pause, take a deep breath, and say to yourself: You can say, “I’m a pilot, not turbulence. Validate your senses while keeping your limits.” You can say, “I understand you’re really upset, but the answer is still no.” Two things can be true at the same time. Teenagers’ feelings are real and your boundaries still exist. Don’t say too much. When teens escalate, more words often add to the confusion. Resist the urge to explain, defend, or lecture. A simple “I can hear you” or “You’re really angry” is more effective than a lengthy explanation. If space helps, give it space. Sometimes the surest thing you can do is take a step back. You might give the other person some space by saying, “I’m here when you’re ready to talk.” Giving them space helps everyone calm down.
Independence is a teenager’s job. Structure is the job of parents
Much of the confusion today stems from ideas about autonomy.
Autonomy means gradually learning to make decisions within the safety of a clear and stable structure.
Teens seek independence. Parents have boundaries that allow for that. Within these boundaries, teens learn to test limits, negotiate responsibilities, and tolerate frustrations. This is an experience that develops judgment and resilience over time.
Without that structure, teens can’t truly practice independence. They just aren’t tethered. And deep down, most teens feel safe when their parents calmly and carefully hold the line, even when they’re pushing the envelope.
Why boundaries still matter
Every family structure is different. This may include where you can be called after 9:30 p.m., what “I’ll be home later” really means, and whether a parent is required to be present at the party.
It also includes the norms that shape family life, such as how people treat each other, how they deal with conflict, and what their responsibilities are.
Please remember. Structure gives teenagers something to grow within. It is a shell that holds things together and within which stronger and more independent ones are formed.
Dr. Becky Kennedy is a clinical psychologist, mother of three, and founder and CEO of UTZ Inside, a parenting company and next-generation movement. Through her best-selling book, UTZ Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, her TED Talks, and her podcast, she has built a community of millions of parents who turn to her for practical, sound, and compassionate advice.
Dr. Cheryl Ziegler is a licensed clinical psychologist with over 20 years of experience working with children and families in private practice. She is the author of Mommy Burnout: How to Reclaim Your Life and Raise Healthier Children in the Process and the forthcoming book The Crucial Years: The Essential Guide to Mental Health and Modern Puberty in Middle Childhood.
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