Belle Burden’s ‘Strangers’ highlights economic red flags for women

Strangers: A Memoir of a Marriage is a book about betrayal, heartbreak, and loss. But for women, the financial lessons are most important.

In her best-selling memoir, author Belle Baden describes the breakup of her deeply personal marriage after her husband admitted to having an affair and abruptly separated from her in the early days of the coronavirus pandemic.

Ms. Baden and her husband lived a life of luxury, with homes in both Manhattan and Martha’s Vineyard, but a reckless change to a prenuptial agreement signed just days before their wedding cost Ms. Baden the right to the wealth they had accumulated over their 20 years of marriage, she wrote. Although Baden was born into a prominent and wealthy family, he wrote that he had no income of his own at the time.

Like many women, Baden, a lawyer, had put her work on hold to care for her children and support her husband and the demands of his job at a hedge fund in New York.

“We had an unspoken agreement: he would always work and I would always take care of the kids,” she wrote.

Barden said the terms of the couple’s prenuptial agreement dictated that only assets in their joint names would be divided, including the couple’s main residence and a vacation home on Martha’s Vineyard that she bought and held in their names. His income over 20 years would not be subject to division.

By her own admission, Baden did not heed the advice of her lawyers, who had initially warned against the agreement.

Baden wrote that during the marriage, she was not involved in day-to-day financial management and did not properly plan for the potential end of the relationship.

“When I chose comfort over conflict, not knowing over knowing, I couldn’t protect myself. I put myself out there, one decision at a time,” she wrote.

The book generated a lot of buzz and some criticism, particularly regarding Baden’s release from financial involvement.

“A surprising number of people at all income levels are still turning a blind eye to the financial aspects of marriage,” said Elizabeth Salvadore, a partner specializing in family law at Brinkley Morgan in Boca Raton, Florida.

Winnie Sun, co-founder and managing director of Irvine, Calif.-based Sun Group Wealth Partners, also likens this common pitfall to a “blind spot.” “The real cost is not what you can’t earn, it’s what you can’t see,” she says.

“That’s why visibility is important from a planning perspective,” said Sun, a member of CNBC’s Financial Advisor Council. “Transparency in a marriage requires knowing where the money is and how it’s titled,” she says. “Being independent of your family’s finances rarely feels like a problem until it suddenly becomes a problem.”

Research shows that even in dual-earner households, women often take on the majority of caregiving responsibilities, and experts say many marriages still adhere to traditional gender roles, with men taking the lead when it comes to finances.

“I’ve worked with amazing women who say, ‘I’ll do everything but invest,’ and I always think…you’ve already done the hard part,” Sun said. “Learn how financial assets work, ask questions, and stay involved…that’s where long-term growth begins.”

Educating your child about personal finance from an early age can be the key to avoiding these problems later in life. Many studies show that there is a direct correlation between financial literacy and long-term financial health.

“It is critical for individuals, even in stable, long-term marriages, to have at least a basic understanding of household finances, including access to accounts such as bank accounts and retirement accounts, recognition of assets and liabilities, and involvement in major financial decisions,” said Kelly Davidzuk, managing partner at Stange Law Firm in Clayton, Missouri.

At the very least, “Make it a habit to open your mail and check all your monthly statements, including your mortgage, car payment, credit card statement, and cell phone bill. And keep a close eye on them,” Davidzuk says.

Experts often recommend regular “financial dates” as a way to engage with your partner and discuss savings goals, large expenses, and future plans.

“A money date is a structured money check-in built around something fun,” says Sheila Schroeder, author of It’s Time to Talk: A Woman’s Guide to Navigating Money Conversations.

“Walk, talk, go to a cute cafe for coffee and cake. Try to do this at least once a month,” says Schroeder.

A prenuptial agreement can protect personal assets such as retirement accounts, real estate, investments, and may also cover how your partner will be compensated if you quit your job to care for your children.

In the beginning of a marriage, Salvadore said, “communication is really important and it’s important to agree, whether formal or not, on how you’re going to make money, how you’re going to save money, and how you’re going to pay for your expenses.”

Many financial experts also advise keeping some funds separate so that each partner retains some degree of ownership and control. “I’m a big fan of the ‘you, me, and our’ way of handling money,” Sun said, referring to the practice of managing shared household expenses in joint accounts while also maintaining individual accounts.

“Money gives you financial independence, but it also gives you financial and emotional security,” Sun says.

Ultimately, she and her husband reached a settlement, Baden wrote. She would keep her New York apartment and home in Massachusetts, and her husband would keep his income and assets and pay child support.

Burden continues to write best-selling books, and reports say she recently sold the rights to a movie starring Gwyneth Paltrow. Netflix.

A spokeswoman for Mr. Baden did not respond to a request for comment.

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