I spent seven years researching high-achieving students and interviewing hundreds of students and their families.
Many young people I met said they monitor their grades, rankings, and resumes, as if they were constantly evaluating their worth. Grades played a big role in some families, and some children wondered if their parents’ love had something to do with their high grades.
A culture of achievement promises to open doors, suggesting that better grades and a better college degree guarantee a better future. But a growing body of research shows that this constant pursuit can breed perfectionism, a trait that can lead to higher rates of anxiety and depression.
So what can parents do to protect themselves from this narrow view of success and self-worth?
We can help young people turn their self-centered attention outward. When children change their mind from “What am I doing?” “Where can I help?” They develop a stronger sense of identity, one rooted in contribution rather than performance. Small, needed everyday ways like helping a neighbor, being dependable at home, and joining a team can alleviate that harmful internal scorekeeping and build stronger self-esteem.
When children anchor their efforts in something beyond themselves, everyday stressors become more manageable. They stop believing that they are just grades and scores and begin to feel like they are an important person in the world. Here’s how:
1. Help children realize the true needs of those around them
Recently, a woman told me that she was on her way to the park with her two young children when she saw an elderly neighbor raking his lawn. The neighbor declined the woman’s offer to help, but the woman still got her children out of the car, and the children grabbed rakes and piled leaves into bags.
The children talked about it all afternoon. How happy the neighbors were, how much fun they had, how happy they were to be of use, etc. They experienced what psychologists call a “helper’s high” and had a heightened sense of agency.
To help children look outside of themselves, try asking questions like, “What do you think you need today?” or “Who can use a hand right now?” Regular acts like checking on a neighbor, delivering a meal, or volunteering strengthen children’s sense of belonging to their community.
2. Incorporate contribution into daily life
One mother I interviewed had a piece of paper taped to her front door with a short list of things her family needed to do. When her kids came home from school, she would ask them to sign anything they could take that day.
Over time, these small efforts helped her children see themselves as contributors to the family, not just children who help out from time to time.
The transition to an identity as a helper is important. In a study of 149 children between the ages of 3 and 6, researchers found that thanking children for “helping” rather than “helping” significantly increased their willingness to cooperate. Children were motivated by the idea of becoming a helper.
Across studies, people who feel useful and connected have been shown to have lower stress and higher resilience, suggesting that contribution is protective.
3. Make invisible care work visible
Children learn generosity by watching us. But modeling alone is not enough. We need to visualize our thoughts.
When checking on a neighbor, bringing soup to a sick friend, or helping someone who seems overwhelmed, talk about the “why” behind your actions.
You might say, “I brought her soup so she knows she’s not alone.” Or you might explain, “It looked like he needed to handle those bags,” or “I felt like today might be difficult, so I texted her.” These little explanations give children a mental model of why we help and an internal script they can use themselves.
In a culture that too often downplays the achievements of young people, helping them look outward is one of the most powerful antidotes to undue pressure.
When young people discover ways to contribute that are not tied to external markers, they gain a more grounded sense of who they are and the greater role they can play in the world.
Jennifer Breheny Wallace is an award-winning journalist and author of the New York Times bestseller Never Enough: When Achievement Culture becomes Toxic — and What We Can Do About It. She lives in New York City with her husband and three teenagers. You can follow her on Instagram @jenniferbrehenywallace.
Want to give your kids the ultimate advantage? Sign up for CNBC’s new online course, “How to Raise Financially Smart Kids.” Learn how to build healthy financial habits now to set your kids up for greater success in the future.
