Feeling financially at risk in a relationship can happen to anyone, even millionaires.
Kim Kardashian told host Alex Cooper on an October episode of her Call Her Daddy podcast that her ex-husband Kanye West’s unpredictable spending habits (including suddenly buying and gifting multiple Lamborghinis at once) contributed to their decision to end their marriage in 2021.
“I don’t feel safe physically, maybe emotionally, and financially,” Kardashian said. “It’s a really disturbing feeling.”
We need money in life, whether it’s paying bills, buying housing or food. That’s why lack of financial security, or financial insecurity, is scary for most people, says Erica Wasserman, a Parkland, Fla.-based financial therapist and CEO of Your Financial Therapist.
Wasserman said the average person’s unpredictable spending habits might not lead to buying five Lamborghinis at once, but they could be similar to impulsively buying five Lego sets or taking out a new line of credit. Situations where you disagree with your partner with whom you share money can create a lot of tension, she says.
“When you can no longer trust your partner with how you spend, save, and invest your money, you get scared and scared,” Wasserman says. “Then it affects other aspects of your relationship.”
Financial intimacy can make or break your relationship
Even though financial intimacy should be just as important as emotional or sexual intimacy in a relationship, Wasserman says people often skip talking about finances because it’s taboo or uncomfortable.
An October study by business software company Intuit found that 37% of U.S. consumers begin sharing their paychecks around the time they decide to date their partner exclusively. Wasserman says this isn’t enough, and that more people should talk about their finances when entering a serious relationship.
Our financial habits affect everything in our lives. Money isn’t the reason most couples fall in love, but Wasserman says financial behavior can make or break a relationship once the initial spark wears off.
When couples disagree and “don’t change their habits or make plans, it tends to spread even further,” Wasserman said. “That’s where you see relationships start to fracture.”
First red flag to look out for
Wasserman says the biggest red flag to look out for when determining whether you can work with a partner financially is sabotage. People who avoid conversations about money or hide their spending early in a relationship are likely to continue that behavior as things progress, she says.
“If both people are willing to work on[financial intimacy]there is hope for the relationship,” Wasserman says. “But if one person is checked out, no part of the relationship will work, whether it’s sex, religion, money, etc. If you’re both not willing and open to working on it, it’s time to evaluate the relationship.”
Fostering financial intimacy through storytelling
When building financial intimacy and security, focus on sharing your financial habits through storytelling, such as how often you ate out as a child or your experiences shopping for groceries with your parents. Direct questions about financial habits “tend to make people wary,” Wasserman said.
Wasserman said that when it is necessary to speak up, it is sometimes important and appropriate to do so, but it should be done with “compassion and empathy.” Understand that your partner may have a different background than you, and that may shape the way they view money conversations.
At the end of the day, Wasserman says the best thing you can do to set yourself up for success is simply “start the conversation.” “Financial intimacy takes time. It’s something that grows together. It’s an open conversation. It’s about being vulnerable.”
Want to level up your AI skills? Sign up for CNBC Make It’s new online course, “How to use AI to better communicate at work by Smarter by CNBC Make It.” Get specific prompts to optimize your emails, notes, and presentations for tone, context, and audience.
Plus, sign up for the CNBC Make It newsletter for tips and tricks to succeed at work, money, and life, and request to join our exclusive community on LinkedIn to connect with experts and colleagues.
