As a clinical psychologist, I often have to warn clients to examine the spark they feel toward new romantic prospects.
You are excited about new people and want to feel a deep connection to them. But many of us carry old wounds from childhood, past relationships, or formative experiences.
If your past has been chaotic, inconsistent, and confusing, you may find yourself drawn to similar relationship dynamics over and over again. Here are five signs that the chemistry you feel may actually be a red flag.
1. The relationship makes you nervous
If in the past someone made you feel loved but insecure, your nervous system has learned that it’s okay to love and be afraid of the same person.
Mixed signals, hot and cold love, and contradictions can feel intimate rather than anxiety-provoking. Excitement and anxiety are closely related emotions, so you might feel nervous, but don’t mistake this feeling for excitement and a chemical reaction.
What to do: Slow down and notice how your body feels around this person. Does your nervous system calm down when you’re around them, or is it constantly on edge? If it’s the latter, it could be a sign that the feelings you’re having are incompatible and that this person is making you feel unsafe.
2. Treble and bass feel addictive
The roller coaster of emotions when someone leaves you and the relief you feel when they get close again can feel like a spark, especially if you’ve had such relationship dynamics in the past.
When you experience stress, your body releases hormones such as cortisol, which activate reward and addiction pathways in your brain.
As a result, you may unconsciously seek out stress, conflict, unpredictability, and intensity. That’s because it gives your body the feel-good chemicals it needs.
What to do: Your body needs to learn how to slow down and feel safe again. This can be similar to stretching, breathing exercises, meditation, nature walks, or reducing your workload.
3. You keep going back to them
Just because you’re attracted to someone doesn’t necessarily mean you’re compatible. You may be unconsciously trying to overcome old wounds by re-enacting the pain.
You believe that things will work out this time. Also, because you can predict what will happen, you may relive painful situations that mirror your past, which gives you a false sense of control.
What to do: Self-reflection is key here. Does this person remind you of things from your past? Therapy provides a safe space to unpack your history.
4. I find jealousy irritating.
When your partner is jealous, you may feel justified in being “needed” by someone else. If you get aroused when your partner is jealous, it’s not a compatibility issue, it’s your insecurities that are rearing their ugly head.
You may even do something on purpose to make them jealous, to make them feel closer or to “prove” that you are wanted. In your mind, this might sound like, “If they choose me, I’m finally good enough,” or, “If they pursue me, that means they love me enough.”
What to do: Work on yourself so that your validation comes from within yourself, not from others. Remember who you are outside of the context of this relationship and that you are already more than enough.
5. Things are never calm.
A stable connection should feel grounded and secure. But if your nervous system is used to turmoil, silence can feel boring and even unpleasant.
They may believe they are unstimulated and seek the next thrill, creating tension, conflict, or even ending the relationship. If you feel safe and you’re not used to it, your mind might say something like, “If I feel safe, I’ll let my guard down, but then I’ll get hurt.”
Just because there’s no spark doesn’t mean there’s no chemical reaction. Maybe that just means I don’t have to worry.
What to do: Teach your body that it’s okay to stay calm. When you feel like creating conflict or chasing thrills, stop and notice. Next, practice doing the opposite of your urge and waiting for it to pass.
Being aware of patterns in your relationships is a great first step. Of course, you should always consult your doctor or therapist before making any major changes. Understanding how to slow down and process the past can help you relearn what safety and consistency look like.
Dr. Amy Tran is a clinical psychologist. in child and adolescent psychology informs her research on attachment, relationships, and emotional safety. She is a digital artist and author of This Book is a Safe Space. Follow her on Instagram.
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