All successful people face disappointment. Setbacks will happen, such as being passed over for a promotion, receiving harsh feedback, or losing a contract to a competitor. But so many of us are often depressed by these accidents because we believe they mean we are incompetent or defective.
Unfortunately, negative self-talk can hinder the one thing successful people need to try again: motivation. As a behavioral design expert and author of Beyond Belief: The Science-Backed Way to Stop Limiting Yourself and Achieve Ordinary Results, I’ve seen how motivation drives human behavior and how our beliefs influence it.
Beliefs sprinkled with self-criticism can reduce motivation, but replacing negative self-talk with more positive ones can inspire persistence.
Highly successful people see challenges as opportunities rather than setbacks. Here are five phrases they use to stay motivated.
1. “I don’t understand this yet.”
This phrase reframes a fixed limit as a temporary state. Remember that all successful people struggle to solve a problem or learn something new. It’s part of the growth process.
Instead of saying to yourself, “I don’t understand this,” say to yourself, “I don’t understand this yet.” A little editing can change a word’s meaning, and adding “yet” can turn a self-critical phrase into motivational wisdom.
Words of encouragement can increase your stamina, especially when you’re mentally exhausted. How you talk to yourself can prevent setbacks from destroying your motivation.
2. “This is information, not a verdict.”
Whether it’s missing a sales goal or not being considered for a promotion, missing a metric can feel devastating. When this happens, the brain may interpret the bad feelings that arise as evidence of incompetence or character flaws.
Mistaking emotions for facts is a “thinking trap” called “emotional reasoning.” Cognitive psychologists say that thought traps can create negative feedback loops that lead us to draw negative conclusions.
This phrase provides a more powerful approach, reframing judgments about your worth as just one data point among many.
3. “What would you say to your friend in this situation?”
By asking yourself this question, you can activate self-compassion when you need it most.
When a friend is in a difficult situation, we show up with words of encouragement and flowers and listen without judgment. But when we find ourselves in similar situations, our inner critic tends to drown out our self-compassion.
Research shows that the biggest reason people resist showing themselves kindness is because they believe it indicates laziness or self-indulgence. But research also shows that spontaneous kindness can increase motivation to learn, help you change for the better, and prevent you from making the same mistakes.
4. “I’m honing my skills, not proving my talent.”
Imagine giving a big talk in front of your colleagues or leading a big project. In situations like this, we tend to feel like we have to “prove” what we know or impress everyone watching.
When you find yourself in this situation, just say to yourself, “I’m honing my skills, not proving my talent.” These words remind us to focus on growth, not performance.
5. “These feelings are temporary, and my goals are not.”
Personal and professional setbacks can cause unpleasant emotions such as fear, frustration, and shame.
It’s human nature to avoid these feelings, but doing so can lead to what I call “justifying failure beliefs.” Examples include beliefs such as “It’s hard to take big risks” and “I should give up before something goes wrong.” Unfortunately, these beliefs can hinder our goals.
A better approach is to tell yourself, “This feeling is temporary and my goal is not.” No unpleasant feelings will ever remain, especially if you admit it. Research shows that embracing discomfort promotes personal growth. It can boost your motivation and even help you inch closer to your goals.
Nir Eyal is the bestselling author of Hooked and Indistractable and a former Stanford University lecturer. His latest book is Beyond Belief: The Science-Backed Way to Stop Limiting Yourself and Achieve Ordinary Results. Download his free 5-minute belief change plan.
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