Saying “no” is difficult for many people. Even if your offer doesn’t seem appealing, you still want to be polite.
The standard way to show respect is to help someone understand why you’re not interested. The problem is that when you give a reason for saying no, you give the other party information that they can use to appeal again.
The goal here is to say “no” clearly in a way that ends the conversation gracefully while preserving the relationship. Even if we close the door, we want to continue the conversation on our terms.
We believe that saying “no” is an underrated power in negotiation. Here’s how to do it more effectively:
1. Be polite but emphatic
Thank you for asking. You can apologize for not having a different answer by saying, “That’s very kind of you. Thank you for your question. I’m sorry, but I can’t say yes.”
As long as your answer is strong, there’s no need to be rude. The emphasis is on giving a clear and uncontroversial response.
2. “It’s not you, it’s me” is a classic for a reason.
The reason for declining does not have to imply a negative judgment. If someone offers you a job but you’re not interested, you might say, “I’m committed to my current team,” or “I’m doing well. I’m not interested in moving.”
Our favorite answer to this question is, “We’re very grateful, but now is not the right time to move.” None of these are good opportunities for them to try again.
Something like “Sorry, I’m not interested in lateral movement” won’t help here, as you might be offered an even bigger position. We want to provide obstacles that cannot be easily countered.
3. Suggest alternatives
Our colleagues speak at major events and conventions. She works with a speaker’s bureau that charges a standard fee, which potential clients sometimes try to negotiate down.
she tells them: “The speaking bureau I work for charges all clients the same rate, so I can treat everyone fairly. I may not be the right choice for everyone’s budget. I can suggest some colleagues who are more affordable and do a better job.”
This approach is effective because it allows you to be kind and honest about her values without making the other person look bad. Although she declines the offer, she still tries to accommodate her client’s needs. And it allows her to shine a light on deserving colleagues. Everyone wins.
Tone is important with this strategy. Look the other person in the eye and use a downward inflection at the end of your proposal to indicate finality. Watch their reactions and adjust from there.
4. Keep the reason vague
The more information you provide others about a problem, the easier it will be to come up with a solution. If you’re not looking for a solution, please keep your replies short and to the point.
If they request more information, you are under no obligation to share it. You can say something like, “I appreciate it very much, but now is not the right time to move.” When asked why, you can say, “There are some interesting opportunities in the company, but I’m not at liberty to talk about them.”
If they keep pushing you, push back harder. “I’m sorry, but you must accept my decision as final.”
In some cases, people genuinely want feedback on why their offer wasn’t good enough. You are under no obligation to do so, but if you do, be careful of providing an opportunity for them to try to pull you back into the negotiation. And most importantly, be kind.
John Richardson teaches negotiation at MIT’s Sloan School of Management. He previously worked at Harvard Law School and was an associate at the Harvard Negotiation Project. He is the co-author of Never Settle: Persuasion and Negotiation Skills to Get What You Want.
Atia Qureshi is an adjunct professor at the University of Michigan and a former Massachusetts Institute of Technology faculty member who has worked on conflict zone negotiations on behalf of the U.S. Department of State. She is the co-author of Never Settle: Persuasion and Negotiation Skills to Get What You Want.
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