This has happened to many of us. When you start a new relationship, you feel like you have to act indifferent towards the other person because you don’t want to seem insecure or clingy.
If you share your fears about mismatched communication styles or try to figure out where you stand before three months have passed, you might worry that your romance will end before it even begins.
But as a clinical psychologist with 10 years of experience, I tell my clients that seeking reassurance and being needy are not the same. Our modern dating culture has completely skewed that distinction, and our relationships have flattened because of it.
Seeking reassurance from a new partner is not the red flag many people believe. Here’s why:
Harmful dating myths that are derailing our relationships
Being carefree and nonchalant has become the dating ideal, fueled by a swiping culture that has eroded the ability to connect directly. It teaches people that vulnerability is hopeless.
But to build something real, you have to be vulnerable. Otherwise, you’re just playing a role you don’t really want.
New relationships inevitably open up old wounds such as abandonment and rejection. Therefore, it is completely normal to feel anxious. Wanting to know where you stand means this connection is important to you.
This should not be considered a weakness. Seeking reassurance is a sign that you are interested, invested, and your instincts are kicking in.
The desire for a healthy sense of security and the actual state of poverty
Seeking a healthy sense of security can be broken down into three steps. Recognize when you’re feeling anxious or unsafe, name it, and confidently communicate those concerns to your partner to regain a sense of security.
Neediness is a never-ending thirst for external validation that no response can satisfy. Only you have the power to satisfy that hunger.
However, if the desire for security is relentless and cannot be established no matter how much effort or comfort you try, it can lead to destitution.
This may look like being destructive and trying to get the upper hand, by fighting to get confirmation that the other person cares, or by backing away and hoping the other person will come after you, or by trying to make the other person jealous.
People often use these strategies to try to get answers to questions they’re too afraid to ask: “Do you really need me?” These ploys can bring partners closer together at first, but they always backfire in the end.
The biggest green light is to be open about your needs
Emotional safety in a relationship comes from voicing your needs in a way that your partner can truly hear.
For example, you could say, “I’m feeling a little unsure about where we stand. Can we talk about that?” or “I realized that you were feeling anxious after not hearing from me for over 24 hours. I just wanted to let you know how I feel.”
This approach works because it gives you space to name your feelings, make specific requests, and respond without feeling attacked.
After all, there is nothing stronger than having the courage to ask for what you need. It’s a sign of true emotional maturity.
Dr. Sabrina Romanoff is a Harvard-trained clinical psychologist, professor, and author who specializes in relationships, high achievement, and anxiety. Her research was published in the Journal of Psychiatry Research and presented at the Harvard Medical School Meisel Psychiatry Research Symposium. She has been featured in the New York Times, Forbes, Women’s Health, USA Today, CBS, and ABC. Follow her on Instagram.
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