So many people subscribe to these general “dating rules.” They are hard to get, never text first, avoid heavy topics, and wait for things to “develop naturally” before tackling serious issues. Such couples rarely last long.
As a clinical psychologist with 10 years of experience, I’ve found that the closest couples don’t abide by these rules. Rather than waiting for arbitrary milestones, have important conversations when the time is right. They reject the myth that it’s too early.
Here’s how to make sure your values are aligned early on.
1. They define relationships on their own terms
They discuss exclusivity when they feel ready for a relationship, rather than waiting for a set timeline.
Even if you feel ready, it’s okay to feel a little anxious or worried about overwhelming your partner. You might say something like, “I love spending time with you and would like to continue building on this. What do you think?” or “I like what we have and I want to be intentional. Can we talk about ours?”
If the conversation feels a little uncomfortable or awkward, or if you need to discuss the subject more than once, that’s not a sign that it’s over. The important thing is to be clear and open about what you want from the future.
2. Discuss deal-breakers before you get too attached.
These are topics such as children, location, personal beliefs, and financial situation. The conversation is not meant to be conducted like an interrogation on a first date. However, it’s important to prioritize early and share openly. That way, you won’t find out months later that you’re fundamentally incompatible.
You can gently broach these topics by saying something like, “How do you feel about having children? I know it’s still too early, but I think it would be helpful to talk openly.” Or, “I don’t want to fast forward anything. I think it’s best for both of us to know first. How do you see yourself doing in the long term?”
The conversation will go more smoothly if you share your preference first and explain why it’s important to you. For example, “I want to stay in New York because my family is here and we’re very close. Do you agree?” This is very different from “Where do you want to live?”
3. They see relationship history as valuable context, not baggage.
Successful couples actively share their relationship history and love patterns early on.
This is not meant to vent trauma, provoke jealousy, or force your significant other to act as a therapist. You’ll be sharing important information to better understand how the other person responds to stress and what the problem is.
Knowing how someone has loved and hurt in the past can inform how they act in the present.
4. Don’t wait for an emotional bond to magically appear.
Emotional bonds can be as small as finding a texting frequency that works for you, balancing time with each other and friends, or supporting each other after a tough day.
You could say, “I love letting you know if I haven’t heard from you in a while. It’s not a big deal, but it helps me know what to expect.” or “I love starting my day with a good morning message. Are you comfortable doing that?”
These are small things, but successful couples use them to learn what makes their partner feel seen and what makes them shut up. By the time a larger conflict occurs, they have already built a roadmap to overcome the conflict.
Dr. Sabrina Romanoff is a Harvard-trained clinical psychologist, professor, and author who specializes in relationships, high achievement, and anxiety. Her research was published in the Journal of Psychiatry Research and presented at the Harvard Medical School Meisel Psychiatry Research Symposium. She has been featured in the New York Times, Forbes, Women’s Health, USA Today, CBS, and ABC. Follow her on Instagram @DrSabrinaRomanoff.
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