Many parents think that if they are close to their children, their children will naturally open up to them.
But after years of working with families and studying more than 200 parent-child relationships, we’ve found that intimacy alone doesn’t necessarily mean children feel safe opening up.
Children are more likely to open up when they trust what will happen when they do. Parents’ children want to create space for difficult conversations at ages 7, 17, and even 27.
Here are 7 things they do with their kids from an early age.
1. Regulate yourself before regulating your children.
Children are much more likely to open up if they aren’t worried about how their parents will react.
Parents who know their children’s inner worlds best have learned not to make their children’s emotions feel like problems to be solved or threats to be managed.
Children believe they can take painful things home with them.
2. They share who they are
Many parents expect their children to be open, yet reveal little about themselves.
Parents with whom the child continues to share his inner world do not hide behind the role of mother or father. Children know what excites them, what stresses them out, and what is important to them.
Children are more likely to share what’s on their minds when they don’t feel alone in their vulnerability.
3. Ask about emotions, not just performance.
Most parents naturally ask about grades, sports, homework, and accomplishments.
Parents whose children continue to open up also ask a variety of questions.
“What was difficult for you today?” “How was it?” “What have you been thinking about lately?”
These questions show children that their thoughts and feelings are just as worthy of attention as their accomplishments.
4. Don’t tolerate some emotions and not others
Most parents have no trouble feeling excited and grateful. Anger, jealousy, sadness, and disappointment are another story.
However, children quickly learn which emotions are safe to share and which emotions need to be hidden. Parents who are emotionally attached to their children do not expect their children to be happy all the time. They give room for the full range of human emotions.
When children learn that certain emotions are not welcomed, they often stop sharing those emotions.
5. Repair after a difficult moment
The parents with whom I have the closest relationships with adult children know that they are not perfect. They apologize, reflect on difficult moments, and take responsibility.
They say things like:
“I was too hard on you earlier.” “You didn’t deserve it.” “Can we have that conversation again?”
Children need to know that relationships can tolerate mistakes. Restoration teaches them that it is safe to return after a conflict.
6. Don’t impose your emotional needs on your child
I have worked with many children who are overly focused on making the adults around them happy. They think carefully about when to bring things up, hide mistakes, and avoid difficult conversations. This is simply because I don’t want to offend them.
However, the healthiest parent-child relationships free children from the responsibility of managing adult emotions.
Children are more likely to open up if they know they no longer have to worry about other people’s feelings.
7. They invite, not question.
Parents often say, “Whenever I ask a question, my child only answers one word.”
Asking more questions usually doesn’t give you an answer. Children open up when they are genuinely interested in their ideas and experiences, not when they feel like they are being interviewed.
Parents, who know the most about their children’s lives, create opportunities for conversation. Share stories about your day, spend time together without an agenda, and make it easy for the kids to talk when they’re ready.
These small moments help your children see you as someone they can rely on, even if the conversation becomes difficult.
Reem Rauda is a certified conscious parenting coach, speaker, and author dedicated to one core idea: loving your child and making them feel safe are not the same thing. She is the founder of The Safe Mom and founder of The Safe Mom Masterclass, which helps parents raise mentally healthy children through emotional safety, connection, and self-awareness. Find her on Instagram.
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