There’s a saying that goes, “Flattery will get you anywhere.” This is a common strategy many people take when the stakes are high, such as a company-saving deal or a career-building promotion.
But how far should you go to win someone over in a high-stakes situation? Matt Abrahams, lecturer on strategic communications at Stanford University and host of the podcast Think Fast, Talk Smart, says the answer depends on the nature of your relationships and the flattery of the problem.
Attempts at flattery, or in other words, overt displays of deference, can be found in many places. For example, US President Donald Trump’s unusual gesture of greeting Chinese President Xi Jinping on the tarmac on Wednesday could be interpreted as an indication of the White House’s desire for a productive outcome from an important and contentious diplomatic visit.
According to Abrahams, persuasion is most effective when it seems genuine. Research shows that sincere praise can have social rewards. For example, a well-placed and sincere compliment for a job well done will probably ring truer to the recipient than pretending to laugh heartily at a fairly boring joke.
You can also flatter someone more subtly without empathizing with them in a way that feels inauthentic or uncomfortable. Abrahams says simply nodding your head when someone is speaking can show that you’re actively listening, making them feel heard while fostering trust and a personal connection.
But we don’t always have complete control over how our words and actions are perceived by others. Abrahams says people you’ve just met or have had little prior relationship with are less likely to be swayed by a big compliment or surprise fanfare, especially if you’re also looking for something in return. A “high-status” person can interpret expressions of admiration or respect from a “low-status” person as manipulative, he added, and using too much flattery during negotiations can backfire and make you look “desperate (or) not very smart.”
There may be limits to effective flattery and patronizing, especially when the stakes are highest. “Strongly held beliefs and convictions are often not modified by flattery,” Abrahams said. In other words, that extra praise or generosity is unlikely to convince someone of something they absolutely disagree with.
However, if someone is open to changing their mind, a little sincere flattery can help make them even more likable and lay the groundwork for compromise.
“It’s not about manipulation,” Abrahams says. “You’re trying to set up the optimal environment to get the communication results you want.”
Subtlety and honesty go a long way
Abrahams points out that there are many ways to achieve the desired effect of flattery and fanfare while minimizing the risk of blowouts, and advises prioritizing subtlety and what he calls “pre-work.”
If you’re generally known as a complimentary and generous person, you’re more likely to seem natural and genuine when starting a high-stakes meeting by telling the person you’re great and offering them their favorite style of coffee. If that flattering behavior is not normal for you or within that particular relationship, you’re more likely to come across as a manipulative sucker, even if well-intentioned.
“You have to be who you are and do it in a way that aligns with the expectations of the situation and the environment,” Abrahams says.
His pre-work recommendations include laying the groundwork in advance for a positive and informative conversation. You can book the nicest meeting room in the office, or, especially if the meeting is during the lunch break, you can tell the person ahead of time that you’ll provide snacks and coffee and ask if they would like anything.
“It’s a normal, genuine (gesture),” Abrahams says. “Not surprisingly, I try to think a little bit and be strategic about doing these things before meetings to set a positive framework.”
