I’m not bragging, but without realizing it, I had become a model friend. My ability to maintain relationships has made me someone that my loved ones admire. At least that’s what they tell me.
Last month, a good friend of mine asked me for advice on how to stay connected to the community while balancing work, happiness, and everything else in life. It’s not easy. An American Psychiatric Association poll released on May 12 found that levels of loneliness in the United States are high, with many people reaching for their tech devices instead of looking out for each other. Eight percent of Americans report having no close friends, according to a 2023 Pew Research Center survey of nearly 5,000 U.S. adults.
Some companies are now offering to facilitate the friendship process by offering summer camps for adults or guidance from friendship coaches, which can sometimes cost thousands of dollars. And Jessica D. Ayers, an assistant professor of psychological science at Boise State University, says that in real life friendships can become estranged for a variety of reasons. Classic ones include moving to a different state for a new job or being at a different stage in life, but newer ones include trying to catch up with each other on social media or forgetting to keep in touch outside of your smartphone.
Making an effort to stay in touch may seem like a fundamentally selfless act, especially if your friend has a busy life or doesn’t often reach out and make plans. In fact, making an effort to maintain friendships can be beneficial for you, says Ayers, who researches the science of friendships and how to stay connected. Staying in touch with friends can improve your sense of well-being, reduce depression and loneliness, reduce anxiety, and even “increase your chances of survival after something like major surgery,” she says.
Ayres says there are benefits for both parties, especially in a “long-lasting relationship.” And, according to an 88-year-old Harvard study on happiness, high levels of social adjustment contribute to longer, healthier, and more fulfilling lives. Simply put, friendships help you succeed.
Keeping in touch, at least on paper, can require a lot of effort. I didn’t fully realize this until I thought about how many strategies there are to stay connected to the community. I set up multiple one-on-one hangouts per month with rotating friends, mark time on my calendar to attend birthday celebrations for loved ones, and stay updated in five or more group chats with friends and family.
In a way, that’s what I’ve been trained to do. I have five siblings. Growing up in our household, showing up to each other was non-negotiable. But that’s not all. Whenever a friend crosses my mind, I reach out to them to check on them and ask when we can hang out in the near future. I host small gatherings. One of my favorites was the October 2025 party themed after the movie “Coraline.” At least once a year, I travel to visit friends who live in different states or plan vacations together.
Mr. Ayers says he agrees with my approach. Even the simple act of sending a quick note to a friend just because you remembered them is a “great habit,” she said, adding, “It’s the best thing you can do.”
First step: “Contact” your friends
To keep friendships healthy and strong, Ayers recommends three things:
“Just contact them,” she says. You don’t have to do it very often, but let your friends know you value them. “When you have a friend on your mind, text them and say, ‘Hey, I’m thinking of you.'” Ayers recommends prioritizing relationships built on intrinsic qualities over external ones. Friendships based on shared values like loyalty and honesty are often much more meaningful than connections built on superficial qualities, she says. Have something to discuss in each friendship, and dedicate a reasonable amount of time, resources, and energy to your friend. Even though there are times when it’s better to stay home. In other words, be the kind of friend you would want others to be. “It’s important to remember that you are the important person in this relationship,” says Ayers.
Ayers and her best friend live in two different states: Idaho and California, she said. They send each other voice memos throughout the week, from quick check-ins to 15-minute breakdowns of important updates, she says.
But Ayers says you should talk offline whenever possible, especially with friends who live nearby. Even in group chats, she says, instead of relying solely on the technology aspect to mediate, you can write things like:
You can also invite friends to your regular schedule without having to find extra time on your calendar. Ask a friend to stay with you when you’re running errands or doing other low-pressure activities, Ayers suggests. She invites friends to her children’s sporting events, and says, “We can catch up in between the kids going to bat or the kids on the soccer field. There’s no expectations, so it takes a lot of pressure off.”
There are trade-offs to being a social person. I don’t know if I’ve ever had a free weekend all year long. But knowing that I’ve been able to build a community of trust, and vice versa, brings me valuable peace of mind. I’m willing to sacrifice a day spent lazing on the couch to watch my favorite show, have a night of bad karaoke, or spend a lot of time pounding away at midnight baking brownies with my homegirls.
