When we talk about raising successful children, we tend to talk about what they are capable of.
Are they getting good grades? Will they go to basketball practice and win the game? Did they clean the room and set the table? Are they motivated? The person in charge? Socializing? Will they be able to solve problems, make good choices, and ultimately become independent adults?
But in my work with more than 200 families over the years, I’ve seen that some of the most important lessons children need to help them succeed, live happy, fulfilling lives, and develop healthy relationships have little to do with behavior or accomplishments.
Children absorb important messages in everyday moments based on how we react when they struggle, fail, disagree with us, are disappointed, or simply turn out to be a different person than we imagined them to be.
In my experience, there are six things that parents of the most successful, confident, resilient, and well-adjusted children teach them early on that have nothing to do with achievement.
1. Even if you fail, the other person will not change for you.
When something goes wrong, your children notice what’s going on between you. They will see your face when your grades come back. They notice if you look proud after a win and more distant after a loss.
Your child should be able to fail without feeling like he or she has failed in your eyes. For example, instead of immediately asking, “Why didn’t you study more?”, ask, “I know you would like a different outcome. How do you feel about that?”
When children see that negative outcomes don’t change our views, they don’t have to be so afraid of things going wrong. Failure can be something you learn from rather than something you feel you need to hide.
2. Disappointing someone doesn’t necessarily mean they did something wrong.
If “good” means pleasing others, the child’s disappointment may begin to feel like evidence that the child has done something wrong. They may learn how to read the room before they learn how to read themselves.
We can show them another way. You might say, “Someone else might be disappointed in your choice, but it might be the right choice for you.”
Your child needs to know that even if you disagree with him, he can still trust himself. It’s also important later on with friends, partners, and bosses.
3. What they’re good at isn’t who they are.
Even if you are given a positive label, you may feel pressured. When an adult keeps saying things like,
“You’re very smart.” “You’re our athlete.” “You’re in charge.”
The child can quietly begin to hear, “I have to continue to be this person.” Then B is no longer just B. Being left off the team isn’t just disappointing. When you’re struggling, you can start to feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself.
Instead of making your accomplishments your identity, focus on what those accomplishments were about. You might say, “Even when it got difficult, you kept going.”
By separating what children achieve from who they actually are, we give them room to grow beyond what they happen to be good at today.
4. Even if you disagree with someone or get angry with someone, you will still be loved.
Children sometimes need to disagree with us and discover that the relationship is still okay.
That doesn’t mean they make all the decisions. We are still parents. We can have boundaries with our children and stay connected to them at the same time. You might say, “It’s okay to be angry about my decision. The answer is still no. We’re still okay.”
Children do not have to choose between speaking up and identifying with us. If you feel like you have to sacrifice your voice to stay connected at home, it can be even harder to say no elsewhere.
5. Unpleasant emotions don’t need to be resolved immediately.
Our instinct as parents is often to want to make our children feel good. We correct them, reassure them, distract them, tell them everything will be okay.
Sometimes you need something simpler: “This is difficult. I’m here.”
Children need to learn that just because they don’t feel well doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with them. They can get over it even if they are embarrassed. They may come into the room even though they are nervous.
There is no need to rescue children from every unpleasant emotion. Sometimes by being there for them when they experience that emotion, they discover, “I can handle this.”
6. Home is the only place where you don’t have to impress anyone.
Children already live in a world where they evaluate themselves by grades, teams, rankings, likability, and ultimately university admissions, job offers, and performance reviews.
The outside world will continue to ask, “What can you do?” Families must answer a resounding “yes” to another question. “Do I still matter when I have nothing to celebrate?”
Sometimes it helps to say directly, “I love seeing you succeed, but I don’t need you to impress me that you belong here.”
Achievement should enrich a child’s life. Don’t let them be the only reason you feel worthy.
Reem Rauda is a certified conscious parenting coach, speaker, and author dedicated to one core idea: loving your child and making them feel safe are not the same thing. She is the founder of The Safe Mom and founder of The Safe Mom Masterclass, which helps parents raise mentally healthy children through emotional safety, connection, and self-awareness. Find her on Instagram.
