Psychologist: How to reconnect with your estranged partner

There are two minutes each night when couples can either strengthen their bond with each other or unknowingly weaken it.

In my experience as a psychologist who studies couples, what separates happy couples from unhappy ones isn’t necessarily how often they argue or how much time they spend together. It’s about whether two people are truly in touch with each other’s lives.

Partners in happy relationships know what the other person is really going through every week. Unlucky people often find themselves in a kind of parallel coexistence, where they only share a home and a calendar, but little else.

Differences can be built or lost in moments that feel too small. I call it “the moment of re-entry.”

The “reentry moment” refers to the first minute or two when a couple comes back together after being apart for a while. These reunions occur after a period of temporary physical separation, whether during the week, a weekend with friends, or a four-day work trip.

They serve three important functions.

Get your partner out of their head and bring them back to the present moment Gauge how your partner is doing emotionally Get an update on your partner’s day (or weekend, or week)

Let’s say in the morning your wife says she has a presentation that day. When I get home, I see her sitting on the couch with her laptop on, as usual. You ask her, “How was the presentation?”

She stopped typing, put her laptop on the coffee table, and said that since no one responded, she just thanked her and moved on. She spent the rest of the afternoon turning the presentation over in her head and trying to figure out what went wrong.

By connecting immediately after meeting again, you can avoid misunderstandings between each other. If your wife is still thinking about her presentation and you ask her if she has booked a rental car for next week’s trip, the irritation in her response may sound like irritation to you. You might be right back and now you’re arguing about a rental car, even though neither of you care.

There are also long-term benefits. If your partner knows that in the first minutes at home he will be greeted with interest, and not with criticism or indifference, he will not have to decide what is worth talking about and what should be kept secret. They know they are entering a safe landing space and can enter it.

At the beginning of a relationship, no one has to work hard to take advantage of this moment. You just want to know more about your partner’s day, and if you get the three-word version, ask again. After a few years, you may stop following up.

You might get into a routine of saying hello, asking questions about dinner or tomorrow’s plans, and spending the evening together. Nothing overtly unkind occurs in the interaction, and both partners may describe it as “fine.” But with each failed re-entry attempt, the knowledge about your partner diminishes a little bit.

After a few hundred repetitions, start working with an old photo of your partner. You wouldn’t know that the new manager suddenly started checking on them three times a day. Or maybe you had a great conversation with your sister on the phone an hour ago. So if you two become unusually quiet during dinner, you might think there’s something wrong between you.

Skipping this small but important moment makes it harder to understand and anticipate your partner’s needs, whether it means taking over chores, canceling plans, or leaving them alone for an hour. Although well-intentioned, ignorance may look like indifference to your partner.

You can end up losing more than just information. You begin to lose the close connection you used to share with your partner.

Getting it right means intentionally moving away from the question, “How was your day?” Try something different from your routine:

Please be specific. “How was your day?” Asking your partner to summarize eight hours on the fly can be a daunting task. Therefore, you usually only get a one-word answer. Ask about things you already knew happened that day. “Did the manager say anything?” shows you remembered what they were thinking yesterday. It’s also much easier to answer honestly and can lead to more meaningful interactions. Follow up. If they say something, just keep talking instead of moving on to another topic. In my experience, one follow-up question tends to get you further forward than a few new questions. Tell your partner if you are feeling exhausted. If you have nothing left to properly say at that important moment, say so instead of remaining silent. Because “I’d like to hear about it and I’d like to take 20 minutes” is a very different thing than silence. Make sure it goes both ways. Couples here tend to unknowingly fall into the role of one person doing most of the talking and the other doing most of the listening. Usually it’s simply a matter of who has more energy in the evening. But that means the listener’s own day will gradually become less shared. Act on it. All of this only makes sense if something happens. If you find out your partner has had a rough week and you decide to carry on with your life as usual, the conversation won’t be very helpful to either of you. A good “re-entry moment” is worth the effort because it gives you something to act on, like getting your partner to sleep the next day or planning a special date.

Over time, taking these steps can become part of keeping the two of you in tune with and responsive to each other rather than simply living side by side.

Dr. Mark Travers is a psychologist specializing in human relationships. He holds degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder. He is the lead psychologist at Awake Therapy, a telemedicine company that provides online psychotherapy, counseling, and coaching. He is also the curator of the popular mental health and wellness website Therapytips.org.