Parenting demands are at their peak. The same goes for parental stress.
According to a 2023 American Psychological Association survey of 3,185 adults, nearly half (48%) of parents said they were “overwhelmed by stress most days.” Three in five people said that stress makes it hard for them to concentrate, and 62% said that no one understands how stressed they are.
As a psychologist and co-author of Parents Have Feelings, Too, I’ve spent more than a decade working with parents who are dealing with the emotional strain of raising young children. Some people try to suppress their feelings. Some people blame themselves for stress. Both approaches can leave parents feeling even more overwhelmed.
Stress is not a siren call telling you to quit or an invitation to embrace perfectionism. Rather, it’s a signal to slow down and identify ways to troubleshoot the situation.
It can be helpful to learn how to respond when tensions arise. Next time you’re in the water with a crying toddler or stuck at work, try these five things.
1. Deal with confusion calmly
Stressful moments can feel chaotic, such as when you’re caring for a sick child, facing financial hardship, or breaking up a fight between your children.
This happens because stress can affect our physical, psychological, and social health. Physically, stress causes your body to tense up and your heart rate to increase. Psychologically, it can cause worry and anxiety.
I’ve met moms who worry that taking time for self-care after a tough day will make them the “worst parent of the year.” Some people believe that they will never reach their goals unless they take on additional work, such as volunteering at their child’s school.
My best advice is to stop for a moment and do some mindfulness. Five deep abdominal breaths can turn a high stress experience into a manageable moment.
2. Replace comparison with compassion.
Almost all parents get stuck on the merry-go-round of comparison. However, when you compare yourself to others, you risk heightening your inner critic and increasing your stress.
Stress-sensitive parents replace comparison with compassion. Research shows that self-compassion, such as saying to yourself, “I’m having a stressful moment, all parents feel that way from time to time,” can help shift your perspective.
Compassion can help you feel connected, whereas comparison can make you feel lacking. Self-compassion also prepares you to respond kindly to your child’s stress.
3. Ask for help
It can be difficult to ask for help, even from close friends and family. Often, we think that expressing our needs makes us weak or a burden to others. But in reality, it teaches our children that it’s okay to depend on others.
Finding support can help protect your mental health. Say to a friend, “I’m having a rough day. Can I call you?” It gives loved ones an opportunity to express care and reduces feelings of loneliness.
New research also shows that parents’ well-being influences how stress affects their children, often for years afterward. Stress is contagious, but with support we are less likely to pass on our problems to our children.
4. Express empathy
Empathy is emotional healing. You will be able to respond kindly when stress arises, especially when children are involved.
In times like these, wise parents listen with curiosity to their child’s perspective. Ask, “What’s happening right now that’s upsetting you?” and “How can I help?” Encourages authentic responses and sharing of feelings. These two help children manage their harsh emotions.
Studies have even shown that empathetic parents feel more confident and find a greater sense of purpose. This will help ease the burden of parenting, even on the toughest days.
5. Experience positive emotions
Stress can steal joy. It prepares the brain to look for new problems. This can put parents on high alert. For example, if you’re stressed about your teen’s online safety, you might want to check their cell phone for signs of trouble.
Parents who manage stress well are looking for sparkling joy. It could be a smile from your child, a hug from your partner, or a compliment from a fellow parent.
During these positive moments, take time to notice how pleasure is felt in your body. Joy is a spreading emotion. It makes us feel larger than life. Savoring that emotion strengthens family relationships and helps us thrive.
I’ve seen parents use all of these tools to overcome stress. When parents feel empowered to deal with their own stress, their children are more likely to do the same. It’s a win for the whole family.
Dr. Juli Fraga is a licensed psychologist with nearly 20 years of experience working with new parents. She is the co-author of “Parents Have Feelings, Too.” She also teaches workshops for expectant parents and supervises psychiatry residents at the University of California, San Francisco (UCSF) Hospital. Follow her on Instagram @parentshavefeelingstoo.
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